Came across this quote today:
"Hanging out with a person who is poison for you is like giving a beer to a reformed alcoholic."
It puts into words exactly why I haven't seen or talked to Jess since our breakup. There was nothing in it for me, and she has nothing to offer ever again.
Time to do a big mass update once again. It's November of 2006. The last time I wrote was 2 years ago in this. I hate digging up the past but I think it's important to recount things so that memory won't muddle them over the years. So here goes...
During my senior year of college I was on MySpace and putzed around with Match. I was still at school so it was difficult to really meet any women from home, but I still played around with it. It was around that January that I found Jess' profile. I think it was simply jdawgqt. I winked at her, and wrote her a message and got a reply. When I first started talking to her I remember she was really sick with like the Flu and that her little sister Molly's birthday was just around the corner (as was hers). We continued to chat online for a week or two and moved onto talking on the phone. We talked almost every day from that January until we met.
My senior year of college was awesome. The Red House has some amazing parties, and that Halloween was definitely one of the best I've ever had. I was Ace Ventura, and Matt, Amar, Christine and Dena all came up to spend the weekend. Great times. I went home for Easter, the night after celebrating my 22cd birthday. It was a great time but I go SOooooo sick. And I had to drive home the next day hungover...and I NEVER get hung over. So I was home to visit with my sister, niece and nephew.
I talked to Jess over the weekend and we almost ended meeting up but we didn't. We didn't get to either after I got home in the middle of May and went to a concert right away. We met at the end of May sometime around the 24th-28th. I liked her at first sight, and I felt very comfortable around her because I had talked to her so I basically already knew her. We hung out a few times a week and started to get romantic. She had a lot of problems. Her best friend had been killed in a car crash the previous December and she was battling deep bouts of depression. She was in debt because of spending a ton of money on clothes and things to cope with that. She was also still hung up on her ex who had cheated on her. Her family life was very screwed up as well, but I'll go into that more later.
So we started to get romantically involved, kissing outside my house etc. I was slow to rush into anything but she was half-afraid of committing anyways. Finally around the Fourth Of July we were an official couple. I'll say that I enjoyed a lot about our relationship. I liked her personality and that she was a smart girl. She seemed like she had her head on straight for the most part. It was her neuroticism, pessimism and self-esteem issues that ultimately killed things.
I consider her my first "love" in every essence of the word. And the first half a year was amazing. I tried very hard to fit with her family and I grew to love her youngest sister Molly. Molly was starved for affection mainly because Jess' family was very dysfunctional. Her mother was an alcoholic, and her father drank a bit too much as well. He was also a compulsive liar. He had a run in with a prostitute where he got arrested once years ago, and the mother NEVER got over it. She resented him for it and it honestly would have been better had they just divorced and stayed in the childrens' lives.
The middle daughter Sara was the "perfect" child in their parents eyes. Jess had not gone on to play basketball in college and her father resented her for it in a wasted talent sort of way. Sara basically got away with just about anything she wanted. She looked nothing like her sisters, blonde hair, blue eyed. She also played basketball and you could tell the father wanted her to go all the way. He had played in college and it felt like he wanted a son more than a daughter.
So the family had a LOT of strife. There were some scary times there where the parents would get into screaming matches, and I'll never forget the one time I was standing outside with Molly and we were sitting on the porch steps. She said she was sorry to me. I asked her what for, and she replied "That you had to hear this." She was much more mature than her age would let on. Honestly I miss Molly more than anything out of that relationship and family. She was a sweet child but very spoiled,(since gifts were usually a substitute for proper-parenting, affection and love), but she was the only one I ever thought really cared. It was like having a little sister and it made me feel good. I feel badly that I never got to say goodbye to her, or at the least let her know that the reason I'd never see or talk to her again wasn't because I didn't like her. I never wanted her to feel like I rejected her or didn't care, because I do. I hope she does well in life.
So things went well that year until Christmas. The first twinges of weirdness were when Jess made a huge deal about hating Christmas. I don't know anyone who hates Christmas, and openly says it open. I understood it was a tough time because her friend had been killed around then, but Christmas has always been my happiest time of year. So I tried to give her the best one I could. She met me on Christmas Day at my sister's house and it was a great time. During that December though her mom went nuts one night and got very drunk. When she drank she got nasty, to her family and especially the father. She threw a knife at him and he called the cops on her. I had friends over to watch a movie, and I had to leave and rush over there, making it there in about 40 minutes, which is impressive. (She lived in Ocean township, or Wanamassa. That was a really tough night and the things her family did put Jess under a lot of stress. Deep down she resented her parents and how they favored her sister Sara. She would never admit it, but she never needed to-it was obvious.
There were other disturbing times with her parents and a lot of turmoil that I stuck with her through. I like to think it's hard to find someone as supportive as I was considering what I had to put up with. Her mother would badmouth me behind my back and it was clear both parents didn't think much of me. I made every attempt to be respectful and polite but it really didn't make a difference. Although not a bad neighborhood (even for being next to Asbury Park), the people were lower and lower-middle class. A lot of the time the term white-trash came into my mind, but they really weren't. It was more how it was like elementary the relationships between friends/neighbors were there. They would all talk behind other peoples' backs, and there was no end.
So Jess' birthday rolled around as did Valentine's Day, and I did special things for each. I did love her with all my heart and I tried to make that known. I remember her ex called her on her birthday and upset her a ton just by calling. After these 7 months I was learning how much baggage and scarring she had from the past. Things didn't start getting weird until that spring. She had just finished her Junior year of school (which I had helped her move in AND out for), and had gotten an internship with the SEC in NYC. We went in May to help her find her way to the building. Easy work since I'd worked on Wall St. and the area for a time. It was about this time that I felt like I turned into a bit of a wussy, which is probably what prompted some of the following months events.
The first twinge was when she admitted she had gotten "butterflies" when a guy she didn't know looked at her on the train. That struck me as being very screwed up where she seemed like she almost looked forward to seeing him. But I'm not a man of low-self-esteem so it didn't really bother me. When you're in love you're blinded to a lot of things that in hindsight are 20/20. She had to commute to the city every day which was rough for her. I was working at Intellisync since that February. I had actually taken her with me on vacation to see my parents in Ft. Myers Beach, Florida. That wasn't a bad trip, but more things were made obvious such as her insecurity and dislike for her body.
That summer things started to shift. She would get pissed about some stupid things and had to take "a break" that September. It was stupid, and I think breaks are retarded and never solve anything. They're just a delayed breakup, but I acquiesced. She broke down on the phone twice, and there was a MySpace incident at one point too where I had commented on some slutty girl's myspace as a joke, and she went into my account and saw it. In hindsight I should have stood my ground more, and not been so apologetic. I hadn't done anything wrong, it wasn't even flirting and definitely not cheating.
I don't believe in cheating. I never have and I never will. I'm one of the elite few who says that today and it will be able to truthfully say it the day I die. I don't understand it and it's something that is not a part of who I am. I am a good person, and I wouldn't ever hurt someone I loved like that.
So things got worse that fall. Jess admitted she didn't crave sex or enjoy it. And that started to wean out. That fall we had a few more tiffs. That Halloween was very awkward and things just didn't feel right. In the beginning of November we had the best sex we'd ever had. That night was amazing and I was actually shaking at the end of it. I thought things were on the mend. They weren't.
I'll never forget the night she cheated on me, because it was the night of the XBox 360 launch. I went to the mall for the midnight release and I thought it was odd I didn't get a call from her that evening. She had gone out over a friend of a friend's place, and ended up kissing this guy there. I got the call at like 3am. She was in tears telling me she had done something. I already knew what she had done before she said it. What angered me the most about the whole thing was how adamant she was when we first met and discussed cheating and infidelity. She had had it happen to her so you'd think that she would have been less prone to doing it, knowing how it feels on the receiving end. That didn't stop her apparently. After it happened we took a break for a few days. I saw her at some point and we went Christmas shopping and sort of made up. Then we took a longer break a few days later. Once again like the previous September, she "couldn't do this anymore." She felt pressured, like "this was it" and all this other crazy bullshit. Enough was enough, I told her to take as much time as she needed but I needed an answer. It wasn't fair to me to make me wait.
We were set to go to a Bon Jovi concert 2 days before Christmas. I hadn't seen her except a few days before it and that was the first time in over a month's time. Things seemed like they were going alright, but she acted weird all night. She thought I was acting distant around her, when my friends showed up. Nothing could have been more false. I was happy to see her and I wanted to make things work. She was nasty to me the entire night. Spent the whole concert ignoring me, and texting someone. The guy she had cheated with she continued to "hang out" with for the past few weeks. I told her that was ridiculous and he ended up embarassing her anyways in front of all his friends. All he wanted from her was one thing, that much was obvious.
So that night she was supposed to stay over and drive home in the morning but when we got back she started gathering up her things in dead silence. I asked her on the way out if she was mad at me, and she tried to shrug it off. An hour-long argument ensued where she told me she wasn't attracted to me. "I can't pretend/force something that just isn't there for me" was one of the things she said. She was afraid to tell me, since she had always tried to come across as not materialistic or vain, that she wasn't attracted to me, or my body. She kept bringing up how "I looked in high school." Not that she looked anything like hers in high school either. It sounded like a bunch of bullshit. She was reaching for excuses just to get out either because she was scared or wasn't ready to commit. I was in tears and heart-broken.
But the craziness didn't stop there. Christmas Eve I get texts from her asking if I'm coming to spend it with her. What the fuck? You just dumped me 2 days before Christmas and I'm supposed to come spend it with you? I don't know what planet she was doing 'ludes on, but it wasn't Earth. I told her I didn't think that would be a good idea. I didn't want to be around her, and I had to go to church with my family. My Family, the only people in the world I can always count on, who love me unconditionally. I didn't want to be around her. She didn't DESERVE to be around me. She got mad. "It's because of shit like this that it's over." She was neurotic and made no sense. She had an inferiority complex that I always but my family ahead of her. And most of the time I had to. She didn't give me ANY reason to put her first, just a bunch of reasons not to.
After that I cut pretty much all contact. I didn't want to talk to her. Around the time that the Orange Bowl was, (that night actually) she texted me asking if we could talk. That was in that January and we had a whole heart-to-heart. She apologized and we talked for like an hour. She wrote me a huge email afterwards. (I'll add it in here later because I bet it's still in my Gmail) I ramped up my heart to deal with everything again and give things a real second chance. I still loved her despite her betrayal. Then the shit really hit the fan.
The next day, right after she wrote me that huge email, I got nasty IMs from her at work. She had gone into my Gmail account and read my personal email. Chrissy, that New Years Eve, had suggested setting me up with her friend Kristen. She was a cute girl but it was way too soon and I wasn't ready to date. I had told her no. Jess had seen the email and accused me of moving on and dating other people and all this other crap. She saw emails from my friend Beth, who had been a "muse" of sorts during this troubling time. That was the last straw I'd really had enough. Within a few weeks she had a new boyfriend already. Within weeks of telling me "I miss my spot on your bed and you" and other cliche bs. Obviously didn't take her long to move on. I checked her away message and she kept having up crap about him. She said her roommates had done it but yet again another message was up a few days later.
My brother intervened although I really didn't care at this point and tore her a new one on IM. I worked from home the next day and I got this flurry of IMs from her accusing me of telling him to do it, and demanding an apology. She wasn't just a "classless whore." In fact all of the events that past month had only proven that that was indeed what she was. I didn't reply to anything, and I haven't since. She had sent IMs ranging from apologetic to provoking. One of the most messed up things about her was that she was so "one way one minute, the exact opposite the next." She may have been bi-polar. She would swing from one view to another so suddenly sometimes. "Do you really think so little of me that you can't even say hello?" was one IM, and in truth yes I did.
She tried im'ing me a few times that spring, texting etc. She texted me the night before her graduation saying thanks for getting her through the rough times, and she was sorry how things ended. (Right...)She sent me a MySpace message in August '06 when I started with Merck. That wasn't a message so much as it turned into a brag-a-thon. I hadn't talked to her since February, nor had I asked her how she was doing or initiated ANY contact. Yet she still persisted. She bragged about her job, how she was taking a trip to Italy and other foolishness, and that she "Just wanted to reach out to me." I don't know why she's reaching or what makes her think any part of my mind or heart thinks anything of her any moer. The most recent contact was an IM last night, November 6, 2006. How ironic almost exactly a year since she cheated. It was a "Just wanted to say hello" but again why would she think I care? Why keep "reaching out" to me if you get no response?
She obviously still thinks about me all the time, and I hope so. I hope she realizes what a horrible thing she did
how horribly she treated me
that she deserves nothing from me, not a hello, not an IM, not a text.
Fallout Boy's "Chicago Is So Two Years Ago" says it best:You want apologies girl you might hold your breath until your breathing stops forever, Forever
The only thing you'll get is this curse on your lips:
I hope they taste of me forever
If you had asked me a year ago today, I would never, ever have been able to imagine things turning out like this. I saw us "together" for the long-haul, but what happened totally sobered my view and made me much more cautious. But I'm glad.
That's right I said it I'm glad. I'm glad I had my heart stomped on. I'm glad I went through the relationship, bad as much as the good. I know better what and who I don't
want now, and the warning signs for cracked out women like her.
And my life has been great ever since. I've broken free of the oppressive shackles our relationship had become. I'm not tied to her and criticized for spending time with my friends. I don't need to spend money on a woman who doesn't appreciate anything I do for her, just criticized what I didn't and who I wasn't according to her messed up Disney ideals.
She can't run away from herself, who she is or her family. She may have talked about that, but it will never happen. She's stuck here, and now that's for sure since she's still with that guy. When people used to ask me if I agreed with "once a cheater always a cheater" I would have told them I believe people change. Maybe they do, and maybe my thoughts haven't shifted so much from that viewpoint, but with regards to Jessica she will always be a cheater at heart. She's with a man but still thinks of me, and I know regret stains her heart. But who she was to me, all she ever was is just as stained, a tainted withered piece of paper floating in the deep recess of my heart. Each passing day that paper disintegrates a little bit more, and it's so infinitesimally small I never think of her any more.
And I could have had my revenge.
I could have posted videos to defame her on the internet.
I could have screwed up her relationship.
I could have pierced her heart with sadness and really made her regret her actions.
But that's not who I am. I met a man with too many faces, the mask I wear is one.
And every day it eats away at her, I know it does. And my life has never been better. I'm dating, and I've met some amazing new friends. Something she was always jealous of me for too.
And I may be getting far away from NJ, and although that makes me sad to leave behind everything I've ever known,
I'm content in who I am.
I'm content in what I stand for and
I'm content in the man that I've become and will continue to strive to be.
I'm not stuck with her anymore, but she'll always be stuck with herself. I'll ride the wave, where it takes me.
I'll open it up, Release Me...
Ok well it's time to post about my failed one and only relationship. I've looked all over thinking I had this put down somewhere but I didn't.
So I met Jane in my writing 205 class. One of the worst fucking classes I ever took as SU ever. And I was at the point directly after where I had stopped openly searching for women. I figured if something good was gonna happen it would kind of land in my lap, and if it didn't I wasn't going to go to leaps and bounds to seek it out. I was spent on doing that at the time. So it was right then that I met Jane. We chatted in class a bit, and I think it was the day I teased her about this "flagpole" that her highschool had up there that was supposed to be on the highest hill in the area. Looking back I wish I knew then what I've found out from other people as far as 2 years into the future. For example that the highschool she went to, MPH Manley's Private Hall, was a private school where a lot of stuck ups came from. There were a lot of warning signs that came early on during out relationship, but I think I was more in love with the idea of a relationship than I ever came to be with Jane herself.
So we chatted in class, which moved to online chatting. Then one night we met up at a party which was like a scene out of Dawson's Creek or something. I told her about it, and said maybe I'd see her there etc. Then I got there and like 2 of her friends screamed when they saw me in that stereotypical girlish chitter. We hung out for a bit there and she left to go home. I went later that night to chill with her at her dorm. We watched a movie, then a little making out, and 2 days later we were bf and gf. Things at that point were amazing. This was one of the happiest points of my life. We got together end of March of 2002, and were together until the end of that May. A big factor in it was the distance. Jane was from Cazenovia, which is 5 mins outside of Syracuse. I should have known better than to date a "townie" lol. So we hung out most every day, and it was really great. I didn't love Jane at first, but I was beginning to fall in love with her towards the end of the semester. As that drew up, I had a feeling that she was beginning to dislike how I didn't "need" her as much as she seemed to need me. She was kind of antisocial and never wanted to really go out to any parties. Friends would go out and I'd want to go but she'd want to stay in and do other things. So a lot of fun was missed the end of that semester due to her, but in my eyes I was getting the better end of the deal. Jane was a first in many ways, and as much as I felt for her, I knew one thing when I left that semester: I would never sleep with Jane. I didn't feel for her like that, and I knew this was not something I wanted to share with her. We did other stuff yeah, but I wasn't ready to do that with her, and I didn't see myself ever becoming ready to.
So we had the big "talk" towards the end of the semester. That summer she was going Austrailia for some special program, and then onto DC next semester to work some internship etc. I said I could be faithful just fine and do the long distance thing, but only if she could do it 100% too. I trusted her completely, and I had no problem with that. So we decided on that. Not a very dramatic but rather anticlimactic goodbye in front of my dorm, after she had met my Dad. A hug, a kiss, an about face and a continuation of my life. So I got home and we talked every day and things were still great. We had written emails to eachother and with each one from her she seemed to be getting stronger in us being apart. Actually I'm going to include the correspondence here, because they're good to get an idea of how much an about-face the shock of us breaking up was.
Hi sweetheart! I cannot believe how much I miss you. It's
driving me insane. At the same time, I'm so happy you're
doing well. I wouldn't want both of us to feel the way I do.
Things are going well for the most part. I don't really have
anything better to do than sit around and write every
single thought I have to you. It helps pass the time by. I'm
trying my hardest to keep my mind occupied, but nothing seems
to help. You mean the world to me peter, and I am more
convinced than ever that these feelings will not change.
Anyways, I just thought I'd email you because you were probably
wondering why I haven't yet. I want to be in your arms right
now. Sometimes I wish for the impossible. I Love you with
all my heart.
Tonight was bittersweet. Spiderman was awesome but the lead guy, (Spidey) his name was Peter Parker. And at the end when Kirten Dunst says I love you Peter I had like 4 diff flashbacks to you. I really wish I was with you too. I talked about you with Kelly tonight. She wants to meet you too :) I'm in a bad mood right now cuz leaving her house I walked into the railroad tie, tripped into the big bushes, flipped over and landed on the driveway asphalt. I have a bad skinned left knee, and I had a BUNCH of small splinters in my left hand. Got almost all of them out, except for 3 in the middle finger. I am leaving them for the night and I will try again in the morning. I was sitting on the toilet for 40 mins picking at them. The 3 just don't want to come out grrrrr. I don't want it to get infected and all swelled. It's like things go so well and then they get to suck for the hell of it. I still miss you as much as ever. I really do. 3 weeks cannot pass fast enough. Well tired I am, and I have a few chapters to read in my book yet before I allow myself to sleep. I'm sorry I didn't have my cell on me. After getting out of the movie theater, I called kelly from my car in the parking lot there. I left the phone on the seat next to me. I would have called, but no idea if you were sleeping at 1 amish or not. Hope you are well, please be happy. It is hard for me too. I am just occupying myself and putting as much joy in my heart as I can to mask the sorrow. Be strong. We both embarked on this journey, and it seems that long crooked road to you stretches a bit further. I think the strongest thing about me is my faith in matters. My religion, my friendships, and my love.
I have faith in that especially.
I love you very much my Jane.
You make things seem so much better for me. I'm trying so hard. It'll take me a few days, and I'm glad I'm getting out of town. I think being here makes it alot harder. It especially makes time go by slower. Hm... I think I'm going to call you. It's easier for me to talk than write sometimes. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Poor poor Petie :(
Peter... I was just thinking of you. I went out for a longgg walk after I got off the phone with you, and there were alot of thoughts that were going through my head. I don't even know where to begin. It's funny because i haven't had this much time to think in a long time. Been to busy! This might actually be a good thing for me. Anyways, I walked down to the lake when the sun was setting and all that was on my mind was us. I don't think I've ever cried so hard in public. At least not in 18 years that is. My heart is breaking because you're sick, and not because I don't get to see you (which obviously I am very upset about), but more because I can't be there to make you happy. Three months is a long time. I didn't think we'd have to wait this long. I am surprising myself with each passing day. I can't believe everyday I become more confident. Last summer it went in the opposite direction. I love you more and more each second, I feel like my heart is going to explode. I can't imagine me without you. I don't even want to try. I've stopped worrying, well, a lot less than I was a couple days ago. Something inside of me, this wonderful feeling that I can't explain keeps me going. Everything about you, down to the little details, makes me feel like I can do anything. Knowing that you're mine to hug and be with makes me feel like the luckiest individual alive. I'm not sure how I get through each day without you. It's hard, but somehow, something keeps me going. I come home happy from work. I'm happy even when we don't get the chance to talk. And I know, I'm so positive that this is all because I have you in my life. I don't depend on you for happiness, because that wouldnt be healthy, but you've brought something into my life that I had no idea even existed. You are so special to me, so different than anything I've ever experienced before that I'm not afraid. I'm not you. I don't know your every detailed feeling. But I know that I'm inside you. I know that I play a very big part in your life. That's a confidence I've never had. Three months ago, you could have told me that I was everything to you, and I wouldnt have believed it. But I have no reason but to believe that now. I need to hear that you love me. I don't know if that's asking too much, but it's something that touches my heart like nothing else. Ahhhh, i'm such a sap. But I'm allowed to be at times ;o) I wonder if you even want to hear any of this. Which I'm guessing you do. I don't know why anyone didnt catch you sooner than I did! You are the most amazing person I've ever come across. And you love me for me. That amazes me even more at times. You understand me, and you treat me like a human. Every quality, everything I've ever looked for in a guy, it's you. Peter, I don't want to be without you. We're going to get through this, and it's already making us stronger. I don't know if I can say this, but I'm proud of myself. I know what it's like to love and be loved. You and I, it's something I treasure with all my heart. I'm going to show you, everyday how much I love you. Well, to the best of my capabilities. I think I've written just about everything that I had on my mind. But I'm sure more will come up later. Feel better sweetie. I hope this helps.
I Love You
You didn't want to talk further, although tonight I would rather have. You might think you don't put me in a good mood but you always do. Just hearing from you makes it such a wonderful day. I can look past all the bad lately and see straight to that. My heart is so saddened that you might have any doubts concerning anything between us. I'm sorry that I'm not who you've had in the past, and I don't do things like they do. There's nothing I can do but say I'm sorry. I try for you, I really do. I haven't tried this much ever with a girl I've cared about. Ever. And the one girl who I would have, I was given as much notice as a stepping stone in a courtyard of nobles. We both are getting used to new things, and for me showing more affection is one of them. It has only been a short time we have been together. I haven't given up on anything. I hold stronger than the previous day, every new day. You tell me I don't know how much I mean to you. I say the same of you to me. Compare how you feel with me, and then double that. You warm my heart. I wish I had the breath to spurn the tirade of words I would wish to speak to you. Sometimes I feel awkward saying so much. You must understand my past experiences, or lack of thereof. You never leave my thoughts. You may think about me all the time, but you never leave my thoughts for a moment. I have all the time in the world sitting here sick, and believe me I spend it well. I think of you. I dream of you. I shed tears when I got sick. I can't remember feeling more horrible about something I did to another person than the day they called me telling me I had mono. My heart ached like I've never known. If you want to know a secret, I felt I was being punished for being so happy I was in a relationship. You didn't understand what I meant about needing a relationship at this point in my life. I did. I needed someone who cares about me the way that you do. I could describe with every word I know the extent which I miss you, and there wouldn't be 1/1000th enough words. My soul misses you, as does my mind. My heart breaks every day when I wake and realize I'm nowhere near you. That I won't see you for 2 months. Summer becomes an obstacle to get through. Not a time I see myself enjoying. I see going to work every day, routine this and routine that. With you not in my life everything seems very cold, and in sharp contrast to itself. I love you very much. I learn every day just how much. When I think I couldn't possibly love you any more, and my heart would burst, more just pours in. I can't do enough to express it. But I try. I try to let you know how much you mean. I guarantee you I've looked at our pictures more than you. And I know I've looked more. You may think you miss me more than I do you, but I know how much I miss you. Having someone living in the corner of your mind is something quite peculiar. It never goes away. You can try to mask it, and you can try to push it to a dusty nook, but you can't ignore something like that. I can't forget the feel of you. I can't forget the smell. I forget nothing about you. It's too in my heart for my not to remember. I am saddened tonight because you are saddened. I wish I could be more for you sooner. I wish I could, and I still try. I don't know everthing. I sure wish I knew everything about you. How you think, how you feel, and why. I wish I knew so I could be better. All I've ever wanted from this relationship was to make you happy. That's all I've ever wanted from any relationship. I want my partner to be happy. That's what it is to me, what it means to me. When you hurt, I hurt double. And I don't care. I willingly accept that hurt. It connects me to you deeper than I can comprehend sometimes. I love you. After such a dark cavern of wandering for years searching with a flimsy candle, I felt things were hopeless. My candle went out, and I feared all hope abandoned. And I found you. And you found me. We found eachother in the dark. And my life has never been as bright ever. I have never been as happy as when I'm with you. There's no one I enjoy more to hug than you. I pray that I'll dream of you when I rest my head to my pillow. I pray and I hope. I am so doubtless about our relationship. All I feel is love. It's all I know anymore. I wish you could see that. I don't know always how to say it. I still try. Give me time. I won't stop trying. I can't, my heart wouldn't allow it should I want to. You make me want to be a better man for you. No one has ever made me feel that way. Mo one. Not my parents, not my siblings, not my friends, not even God has made me want to improve myself the way I want for you. For God I want to help others, but I never think about myself and my actions in spite of another. Ah shit, I can barely type now. I can't hardlyh see the screen. I don't cry like this except for things that mean the most to me. And ET. He deserves my tears too. :P You always think about your actions and screwing things up with me. I think about every word I say to you. I try to never to offend you. I don't know why you love me like you do. I often feel like I don't deserve you, and every time I hear of any doubt I'm sure I'll be punished. Stripped of what I thought I didn't deserve. I miss you Jane. I cannot wait until I see you. It can't be weird for me. I've never stopped seeing you.
You aren't just in my life, you are a part of it.
I wish you knew how heavy my heart is for you.
I wish you knew how much I put you first.
I wish you knew how my love was true.
I wish you knew how my soul thirsts.
I wish you knew, how much I love you.
Ti amo mi amor
May 27, 2002
Title: Re:With A Heavy Heart I Try
I changed today. No, I didnt change. But something inside of me did. And I'll do my best to describe how and why. I thought of our conversation last night, and all the thoughts that were going through my head. I was miserable. And I didn't even realize what I was doing. I went for my usual 4 mile walk where I hoped to draw some conclusions of my messed up mind. And thankfully, I did. I'll start from the beginning. When my ex boyfriend of 8th grade contacted me, it brought back so many memories, hurtful mostly because those were the last memories I had of him. As things only got better between you and I, I felt like something stepped in the way, by fate, and tried to show me that things would only hurt me in the end. As him and I continue to chit chat, my memories only became clearer, and I felt like I did with my family. That nothing would ever be, well, happy. So I went on my walk to clear my head. I started out sluggish, and wanted to quit and go sulk in my room, waiting to see if you'd call me. But, I didnt. I kept going, and only weighed all the options I had. I thought about all my past relationships and how they screwed me over. I thought about how I've given a piece of my heart to someone before, and it was brutally stepped on. All these visions, these brief moments of my past all came together and made me so happy that I didnt have to relive them. Then came you. You're nothing like my past, you're right. Not all of them hurt me, or even caused pain, but they ended on bad terms, and I was in miserable relationships with them. They bored me to tears. SO... then today. Everything just came together. It came together so clearly. Here's what changed besides everything. I love you. I know how you feel about me, and I know you're trying. But my conscious didn't know. I think such good thoughts about us, and lately, I just wasn't. I couldnt figure out why. And i've been dealing fine with the distance. But when i get into relationships, I've always seemed to jump ahead too quickly. And that's how I got either a) bored, or b) hurt. But when I met you, (and this is where I start taking a risk by saying too much) I could see a really nice future for us. I'm not in 8th grade anymore (yay!!). I'm not even in 12th grade anymore. We graduate from college soon. I never had life plans with anyone. But I want to with you. I want to be with you. I don't think there's any other way around it. I'm terrified to say all this to you. I have no idea how you'll respond. I've been in relationships before, longer than we've been together. And i've never been so certain, so confident. Maybe I expected something different from you, but to be honest, I love how you treat me. I love everything about you. So everything I did expect, is meaningless. Things don't always turn out the way I thought they would, and this didnt. It's better. I'm still under the assumption that someone like you would never go for me. But you have, and now I'm going to have fun and go with it. Our relationship makes me more motivated than before (i know!). It helps me look at people differently. And yes, i know I have social anxiety problems at times, but I trust you, and I know you just want the world to know what kind of person I am! (a very cute one! :)) I accept summer as it is. And it's going by quite fast. I'm learning to work with something new, and I like it. But I need to know you love me. I don't think that'll ever change. But I'm thinking of you with everything that I am, and I'm trusting you like I haven't with anyone else. You are different, and I'm not scared. No one compares to you. You are the man in my life that I thought I would never have. I Love you.
Wow two people sound totally in love eh? Yeah well at that point I was getting there. So in those you can tell I was sick at one point, which is true. I had gotten mono somehow, and I think I've pinned exactly how. A girl Kristen on my floor that year had mono. And she was supposedly "cleared" by the doctor as being non-infectious. So one night when I'm hanging with my roomate and Jane in our room Kristen bursts in hysterically in tears asking if I've seen her roommate Kristin (a friend I'd known since frosh year). So I went to go talk to her, which Jane didn't want. But Kristen was my friend and I wanted to make sure that nothing bad had happened. In a way it kind of had. She had lost her virginity that night with some guy she knew from class and met at the bar. It wasn't rape, it was consentual, but she was emotional because it was her first time and all and her roomate and friends from our floor had kind of ditched her at the bar for some off campus party. So she must have still been infectious and just sitting on her bed chatting with her for 45 mins must have been enough to pass mononucleosis onto me. SO I came down with that the end of May. Worst sickness of my life I must say.
Imagine a pounding headache, and no matter what you do it gets worse. It feels like your brain has expanded like one of those pills you put in water and the sponge grows. Well My head was the pill, and it was horrible. No matter what I did, if I laid down, or got back up it got WORSE. But every day I still talked to Jane on the phone, even though I sounded like Kermit the Frog. I was very very miserable. Some nights I just sounded it I'm sure, and she got mad at me for "not being happy." Well that was kind of ridiculous...I had mono! So there was one weekend where I was JUST feeling well enough to go out and hang with my friends. They were watching some DVDs at Amar's house and I needed to get the hell out. So I talked to Jane who was going to Albany with her friend to an ex-boyfriends frat party. Now it's important to note Jane had had a long discussion with me about how anti-drug she was. Very much in agreement to my stance when we discussed it. So I went out that night and didn't answer my phone at Amar's when she called b/c the guys were being big dicks when people called anyones cell, like when Matt got a call. I didn't want to subject her to that lol. By the time I got home I figured it was too late so I went to bed.
I wake up to 11 missed calls. So I call her back and she's out with her sister getting fitted for her bridesmaid dresses. I finally talk to her that night and find out she got bombed out of her head that night, and smoked like 4 bowls. This really pissed me off b/c I don't want to be involved with any girl who's into drugs. She'd done it before so she'd also lied straight to my face. She had made a big deal about going, worrying that I wouldn't trust her (why wouldn't I lol), but I did and made that point clear. So that sparked the whole chain of fights that lasted for a week. I had never hurt so much, not even when my grandmother died. I had no appetite for like a week, couldn't sleep. I was the saddest I'd ever been in my life. So we fought a lot and a whole SLEW of shit came out during this time that I never knew. Like that she was engaged to her ex before me. That he was black. That ended 2 weeks before WE got together. It was like all out of left field. It was like communist baseball where there was ONLY left field and NO ONE WOULD BE SAFE! Lol. So I found out about all this shit she'd been keeping from me, and she just kept picking fights. She said some verrrrrrry hurtful things, and I'm glad it's so long ago I don't remember it all very clearly. I couldn't even really read through those emails I'd put in here b/c I don't want to be reminded of it anymore. It took me over a year to really get over her. The worst part though was I found out a week after we broke up she was back with Chris, her black ex. Now I'm not racist or anything, but I could never date a black girl. Maybe it's how I was raised, the whole Italian stick with your own kind thing. But I just don't have any attraction to black women. But I never knew she had dated any. It was just a shock because there was so much hidden she had never told me. I didn't want to know EVERYTHING about her past, but there were some key things she left out. Shortly after she left nasty references to me in her away messages which didn't help. The last I heard from her was an IM that following fall asking me what restaurant we got sandwiches from. Quite rude I'd think after not hearing from her for like 5 months and after all her crap about not wanting to be friends and how she is never friends with any of her exes. (That should have been some kind of sign too lol) SO that's really it...my first and last relationship. Had to finally get it down cuz people ask, and I don't want to ever have to retell this story again lol
Someone asked on Answerology.com, where I write advice for, "What makes you feel happy? With women, and with life in general." Here was my response. I post it here because these were things that came to mind quickly and I found them important.
I love this question. It made me really think about it.
1.) When my niece or nephew tell me randomly they love me.
2.) When my father or mother tells me they're very proud of me.
3.) When a friend and I have a heart to heart convo.
4.) An email or IM from a friend I haven't heard from in awhile checking in on me, because they're been checking my away messages or online journal and are concerned.
5.) Some of my favorite movies make me VERY happy. And there's nothing better than sitting in the movie theater opening night for a film you've been waiting for for months or years to open and just being there with all your friends, perfect seats.
6.) Getting noticed for small things, like if a professor thanks me at the end of the semester for attending every class when you never thought they even noticed lol
7.) Sunshine ALWAYS makes me happy. A beautiful day is like a drug.
Let's move onto women:
1.) When a woman does that little look at you/glance away game.
2.) When a woman blatantly checks you out.
3.) When a girl leaves you her number, particularly when you've never even talked!
4.) When certain women I know laugh it warms my heart to a ridiculous level.
5.) Recently I met a girl I'd known online since she im'ed me for 3 years, but met for the first time that day. When we hugged upon meeting she gave an extra little squeeze before letting go and I could have died from happiness at that moment.
6.) When a gf or woman leaves you a little note/email that brightens your day.
7.) When a woman compliments me on something important to me, like they notice if I've lost weight, or if they remember my birthday etc.
8.) Everytime a woman says they love you, or they'll miss you, or tells you how you make them feel. Nothing is better.
best of luck,
I've realized a lot of things during this week I've been down in Florida. I came down here again for Spring Break, March 5-March 15th. On March 13th, I finally met Joanna Eiss, an internet friend I've known for three years now. She randomly im'ed me one night 3 years ago, my sophmore year of college at SU. I really believe this was an amazing event in my life, second only to meeting her this past day.
Over the past three years I've talked to Joanna quite often. I've grown to love the person she is, her personality. This is the first time I've ever questioned myself if I loved someone without having seen them first. I hadn't seen a picture of her until months into talking to her online. She lives in Sarasota, Florida which is about a little over an hour from where my parents have a place in Fort Myers Beach. To be absolutely honest, the main reason why I decided to come down here again for Spring Break (I was down here 2 years ago for my sophmore year Spring Break) was because I could meet up with Joanna, even if it was only for a day. I had to meet this girl in person who I've loved talking to online so much. While on the plane ride from Detroit to here, I was thinking that every passing minute was one that bore me closer and closer to her. I had gotten some newer pictures of Joanna over my Christmas break when she sent me some for Christmas. She was absolutely adorable in those pictures and I fell in love with her looks immediately. This is the first time I've ever gotten so nervous to meet someone before in my life. The night before, after I talked to her on the phone I got the most intense butterflies in my stomach I've ever had. It would be more accurate to say I've never gotten them, until that moment. I got so excited, and I liken it to remembering being young and getting excited for Christmas in September even though it was months away. We always have talked and brought up meeting eachother, but I never knew how soon it would happen. In my heart I always knew it WOULD happen because I would make it happen, no matter what. So despite the fact I got to see my parents and our newest addition to the family, our Shih-Tzu Toby, I came down again for Spring Break. I knew full well I'd be spending the week with people 3-4x my age, and likely not with anyone close to my own age at all. There were many times where I would start to regret coming down here, instead of going to Cancun, or some other exotic Spring Break destination. I take every moment of regret back. This was infinitely worth it, and even if for some absurd happenstance of chance that I never ever see Joanna again in person, I would never have this day changed.
I really care for this girl
I had a revelation this week. I always said I could never live down here. The weather is hot all year round, or temperate rather. The traffic is a nightmare during the "hot season," when "snowbirds" come down to stay and Spring Breakers are everywhere. After a time this week I changed that resolve to "I could live down here maybe when I retired." It then became "If I was in love, I could live anywhere the love of my life did." I wish I could say I now hold it as "I could live anywhere Joanna did," but I know better to place all of my heart on a hope for her. She's down here, for the time being, and I am up there. I want to record the events of this past day because it was that
special to me.
So I told Joanna I would call her during the week before I left, so we could make plans for that Saturday the 13th of March. I waited until Thursday night to try and call her and after some phone and text-message tag I finally talked to her on Friday evening. We made plans for her and her friend Alex, who came with her so Joanna's mother wouldn't worry, would drive down from Sarasota and meet up with me. I feel guilty, I admit, because I could have spent the entire day with her, and I am upset that I did not. I went to see my Aunt Annette, Uncle Tony, and 3 cousins at my aunt and uncle's pool down the road. So I ended up having Alex and Joanna come around 4 o'clock. They arrived early and while I was shaving they phoned up from outside. I buzzed them into the first floor lobby, and hurriedly finished getting dressed. I wasn't as nervous as I was early that day, or the day before, but I was so excited. I had envisioned so many ways of our first meeting going, and although it wasn't picture perfect, that was fine. Nothing ever is, and at this point just meeting Joanna and spending time with her was the best outcome of all. I came out of the elevator and saw her friend Alex first, (who I recognize to be in a few of the pictures she sent me), and then I saw Jo. My heart almost skipped a beat-she was even more gorgeous than I already expected her to be. This is a special case though, because like I have said I got to know WHO she was before I did WHAT she was, and this is I think is a very important thing since I usually get interested in women initially by sight. I think it made Joanna worth so much more to me. So I went over to her and I gave her a big hug. That part went partly as I'd daydreamed of it. We embraced and she gave me a little tight squeeze midway through and vice versa. It really struck me just how excited she was to meet me when she had told me the night before she had dedicated
this day to me. That's also partly the reason I felt guilty I didn't plan more time for us. So we went out to Joanna's car and headed downtown on Fort Myers Beach. The opposite end of the island from where my parents reside is like the hot spot "downtown" area where there are restaurants and shops and public beaches. So we parked after the "Lakana," what Alex called the Lani Kai, and walked around for a bit. We browsed in a few shops, and I just tried to be myself. I tried really to be honest, and be who I am, just Pete-nothing more and nothing less. It was like I had no need to impress Jo, because her coming and showing up and being so earnest to meet me really showed just how much she valued our friendship. I don't think she's ever met anyone else she knew off of the internet before... (I'm actually tearing right now, and I really can't tell if they're tears of sadness or happiness. I think it's a mix of both)
So we walked a few circles, and "horse-shoes," and unfinished polygons, and headed back towards the main area. We stopped at the Lani Kai and it really wasn't that hot a scene, more of a bar scene, so we went out to the Pierside Grill and had dinner. Both girls sat across from me so I could see Joanna face to face. Alex was a pretty cool girl, and I have a lot of respect for her coming with Jo to meet me. It meant more than she knows to me, even though she did it for Joanna, in a way to me she also really did that for me, a complete stranger she's never met, but knew that I meant something to Jo. We had dinner, my treat, (I felt I owed that much to Alex for coming, and Jo came to ME) and talked for a good hour and a half. I really got to know Joanna more during that time, and I couldn't help but notice how adorable her freckles were. She has the most gorgeous hazel eyes as well. I really never have liked freckles before, but Joanna made me see them in a whole new light. So Joanna wore this black skirt, pleated, with a pink ribbon that was a belt. She had a purple shirt on as well. Alex had a skirt on as well, which I gathered was very unusual because she calls herself a hick, and comes across as if she were tomboyish. That both of them "dressed to impress" in a sense was very sweet, and I hope that I made as good an impression on Joanna as she did on me. So after eating we walked around some more, and Alex finally decided to get a henna tattoo on the small of her back above the waistline. We kept making her laugh so we retreated to the other side of a sales cart to be out of the way. I chatted a bit more with her, and kept trying to sneak glances at her face when I could, and look in her in the eye. I did NOT want to come across as very nervous; I'm pretty sure I did anyways, but I think I handled myself pretty well. I learned a few new things about her during our time together. Her "father" is in NY state, West Seneca I think, near Buffalo. I knew her father was also in Fl with her mother. I found out that her birth father is in Fl who she lives with, and her "godfather" is in NY. She confided in me she often wondered if she was really his child since they act and look so much alike. I take it things between her and her father here are not as amazing as a father-daughter relationship should be. So we chatted some more, and I tried sneaking in a sweet comment that even though we missed the sunset, she was my sun today, and that was more than enough. We got along so well personality wise, which didnt' surprise me that much the more I reflected on it. I mean we've talked steadily for 3 years online, and disclosed some pretty personal things to eachother. I'm glad we were so compatible even in that short 6 hours together.
After leaving Ft Myers Beach, we headed off the island and ended up at the Edison Mall. There we went through a bunch of stores looking for prom dresses for Alex. That might be one of my most favorite parts of the entire day. We were just walking through the mall kind of like old friends, and I've said on many occasions I feel like I've known Joanna forever. When I get that way about someone I know I'm really comfortable with/around them. We shared a good amount of laughs, and they both seemed to like my sense of humor; there were a good deal of laughs from both and one point where Jo was shaking silently with laughter. Looking back I really should have held her hand or something, but ask if I am mouse or man, the mirror squeaked-away I ran, and I didn't really. Every so often we brushed near eachother, and subconciously mental notes were made. A couple times she gave me a playful shove for a little teasing joke aimed at her.
There was something amusing though-at the mall I stopped at the Sunglass Hut to ask some questions about getting a replacement nosepad for my XX-Metal Oakley sunglasses. I was the most outgoing, earnest, and unafraid I've ever been talking to a pretty attractive woman. Maybe I was riding a confidence high, but it was so easy and for a couple of minutes I realized I was living upto the man I want to be all of the time. Not an act, but rather my full potential. Just an interesting side note that I want to remember if I ever look back on this. I know I will at some point. It will help me remember. And just like the kid in American Beauty, "I need
After the mall we headed back to Ft Myers Beach taking the long route and trying to find our way. I felt a little bad that I didn't know so much about the area or how to get certain places being this is only my 3rd time down here. We listened to some songs, and I learned more about Alex along the way. I should have gotten in the back seat with Jo when Alex switched off with her to drive. Important to remember is that Joanna made a comment, under her breath, when we were just getting back onto the island. I'm racking my brain right now to remember. I said something and she replied under her breath and at first I didn't catch it but thinking on it for a minute I sort of caught the meaning and said I thought I knew what she said. When I had questioned her she had said nevermind and that it went over my head or somesuch. It was something along the gist though of me and her, and how I felt about her or what I meant to her. I hope it was good in context and connotation. Mitch came up a few times in conversation, and I take it that he and Joanna are still not together. God I hope they don't get back together. There was some fun poked at him because he had broken down in tears a few times, and over a girl like Jo I can see why. She mentioned that she didn't think she'd ever get rid of him unless she "stabbed him," so here's to hoping that he somehow gets out of the picture, nonviolently preferably :P Back at home we talked for about 15 more minutes, and I had Alex take some pictures of Joanna and I. A few I think will come out very adorable. She was very close to me during the first few, and I really hoped at that moment that she was glad to meet me. She took her flag out of her trunk and her and Alex traded off showing me some moves. Jo's pretty talented in guard, and I hope her and her team rock the state finals/sectionals they're competing in.
So they drove off and I walked in the lobby, got to the elevator before the first tears misted my eyes. In the car Alex had told us about when her boyfriend, Josh I think, said he had cried over her. They jokingly said "prove it," and I thought immediately that I would shed tears over Joanna. True to it I did shed a few. I got that sad feeling that I was so close to her for those hours, and now we'll be seperated by distance yet again. I will see Joanna again. It's the same as before; it's not a matter of if, rather when. I graduate in May, and if I get a job with AIG I will be able to visit Fl when my parents are down there more often. Maybe drive down, and be able to spend more time with her. There is nothing in my life that I want more at this exact moment in time, and I don't forsee that really changing. I don't want to fall in love with Joanna, not yet, I can't. I can't let that kind of dull heartache reside in me constantly. But I do know I want to be with
her, and spend more time getting to know her in person. I want to fall in love with her, and I want us to be together. I've said many a silent prayer the past few months that she might be the one for me, the one I keep searching for in my life. The one I can be happy not because of, but with. The one who I can share life with, and who enhances it for me just by having her in my life. (the tears are going again-I'm such a romantic sap). I hope our paths in the future cross, I really really do. I'm a loving person, and I trudge on every day on the whisper of a thought on a hope that there's a girl who can be all of this for me, and furthermore that I will meet her and end up with her. I know Jo doesn't like the cold climate that much, but I know she wants out of Florida. If I ever do fall in love with Joanna, I would move to be with her need be. To be farther from my family even, yes. That I've even said that shows how much I care about her because God, my family, and being a good person are the top things in my life. I think it's a bit careless to put her high up on a level with this, but I don't really think it's a matter of choice. My mind knows what my heart feels, and I can't control that. But if anything is solidified in my mind, it's that I'm going to be a good person. I'm going to better myself, and I have good reason now. Joanna is good enough for me, and I think much better a girl than I deserve. I want to be someone who is worthy of her as well. I have had "revelations" before and never really followed through on them to success but in this I will not fail and I will not falter. God presents opportunities. He puts them in front of me, but it is upto ME to act on them and make them a taken opportunity not a missed one. I pray that I have the strength to do this and God speed and guide me on my way.
I am so glad I have finally gotten to meet Joanna. So glad and grateful.
Through my tears I'm smiling.
After all maybe there are times in your life when you're not supposed to have anybody. Certain doors you gotta go through alone. And maybe these doors will continue to mold me into the man I want to be. And maybe, just maybe-they'll lead me to love.
So I end this lengthy, tear-inducing post with a quote that came to mind from a movie that was viewed as a bomb, but will forever hold such great meaning to me and how I relate to it:
"Dear God whose name I do not know.
Thank you for my life.
I forgot how big...
Thank you for my life.
Thank you for my life."
-Joe vs the Volcano
March 14, 2004
New Years Resolutions
I've never really kept these or done much in achieving them but this is the second half of my year as a 21 year old, supposedly the pinnacle of your "youth."
1.) Keep losing weight.
You've been losing weight yes, and you've splurged a bit over the break towards the end to console yourself. No more eating to comfort yourself.
2.) Start going to the gym. Keep going,
You started off last year right by going pretty often, but you seem to taper off every time. This time I've got the resolve that if I want a beautiful girl and I want to fall in love I've got to make it happen-so speaking of which-
3.) Get over the shy crap already.
Stop being a wuss. Stop this not taking the chance and not acting when you should. When you feel like you want to say something to Dad or Mom, or your friends or sisters but you think it sounds like something out of a movie or too cliched, just do it. Stop being to critical! No one is here forever, and one day you might not be able to say what you should, and it will stay with you. People keep telling you you're a funny guy and you've got a great personality. Put it to work Peter, and stop being alone-Carpe Diem.
4.) Try to be nice/supportive/a friend to one of your friends every day if you can.
5.) Hit up mass with Mom and Dad when you're home.
And while you're at it get into the habit of talking to God during the day. He knows what you're going to ask anyways, but I think this is more for you at this point.
6.) Cut down on cursing.
I hate that I curse and say shit, and crap, and fuck, fuckers, and I even belt out the occasional He damns it... You're more intelligent than that, you're well-spoken and well-read so as Lois tells Stewie: "Use your words honey!"
7.) Give up masturbation for a month.
This is going to be rough, yeah. I've gone periods without doing it, but I think if what Fred says is true, than not servicing yourself will make you more ballsier and help out with resolution # 3.
8.) Don't say negative things about people.
Just keep it to yourself if you can.
9.) Finish Final Fantasy 3, 5, 6, and 7 by the end of the year.
This is not that important lol, but catch up!
10.) Curb your spending.
You've done a good job alcohol wise, in not buying much and cutting down on the beer drinking; no one needs an $80 bar night to get drunk when you don't enjoy getting drunk. Stop buying so much shit! Play the videogames you have, beat them, trade them in THEN reward yourself with a new one. Save as much as you can so you can buy things when you really need them or maybe so you can afford to do nice things for others... Never thought about that did you you greedy bastard?
11.) Stop lying. Stop stealing.
Stop the white lies you keep telling. Stop making yourself seem better than you are. The lies are taking hold like the stupid One Ring. You're starting to believe some of them and that's a demented way to live. And keep your promises, don't make it if you'll break it. Scott Stephens-friendship kinda rekindled there. You said you'd keep in touch,invite him up for a party. So do it...he's a good kid and was a good friend at one time. Maybe he will be again. Don't say something for the sake of adding your two [false] cents to the conversation. You've been starting to do this but nip it in the bud. And stop taking things, you are better than that and in your heart you DO want to be a good person.
12.) There is no 12.
Keep to the 11 and better yourself.
Ok well here goes. I created this blog this morning, after seriously thinking about doing it for like a month. This blog is going to be a journal of sorts where I write about myself. My real self that is-no facade, no screen over who I am, and no lies. If I can't be honest with MYSELF how the hell will I ever stop lying to others?
So lets gets started eh? I'm 21 years old, and I was born on April 8, 1982, making me an Aries. I was born in Northvale, New Jersey, a town that is somewhere in the North (ironic no?) of New Jersey. When I was about 2 my family moved to Bridgewater, NJ which is Central NJ, and almost as center in the state as you can get. We've lived there since. Growing up the majority of my life in Bridgewater, I've come to find it was a wonderful place to grow up. When we first moved there, there were more cows than people, and it was pretty unpopulated. My how things can change in 18 years. But then again when I think about it, 18 years is a long time...
I went to preschool at the Temple Shalom, which is a block from where I live. I started kindergarten and the first grade at Van Holten Elementary school. After 1st grade there was some weird school education boundary redrawing and I then attended Crim Elementary school for grades 2-5. I went to Hillside Middle school for grades 6 and 7, and then to Bridgewater-Raritan Middle school for grade 8. (The first class to graduate from the converted highschool actually) There used to be two highschools in Bridgewater, BR-East and BR-West. When we moved to Bridgewater my brother was just entering his senior year of highschool and he went to BR-East. Because of the rapid expansion and population of Bridgewater they turned BR-East into BRMS, and Hillside became another middle school. For highschool I attended the former BR-West, which is just known as the Bridgewater-Raritan Regional Highschool. I live pretty much in the center of my town. I'm less than 5-10 minutes from all these schools and near enough to major highways. Our town is home to the Bridgewater-Commons mall, and a damn fine one I think at that. I live only 2 minutes from it, so I've been there quite a bit. Most of my friends live either in Martinsville, Bridgewater, or Raritan. They're all surrounding Bridgewater, so it's not far to any of them really. The closest friends are Amar Trivedi, Andrew Apostolopolous and Jaymie Price. They're all about under 5 minutes time to.
So here's where my story begins really. I have a brother and a sister, both older and a bit at that. I was the last born in the family, making me the youngest. My sister is 35 or 36 and my brother is about to be 34. My father is 62 and my mother has just turned 60. Seems old now that I type it out and see it in that form. Most of my friends' parents are in their 40s. I respect my parents a great deal and I'm very grateful for how they've raised me. They've always tried to do their best with me and I've never really made it all that easy. It's a known fact that I'm quite a bit more spoiled than my brother and sister put together. Not that that's MY fault, or that I asked for it, but it's the fact of the matter nonetheless. I was a pretty happy kid, and my childhood was a happy one. Having a brother and sister who are that much older is a double-edged sword. My sister was out of the house to college pretty soon after we moved to Bridgewater. My brother afterwards. My sister moved out of the house a year after graduation I think, but definitely within 2. My brother was at home for about 4 years before moving out. The two of them are like second parents to me, very different people in their own respects. They are their own post altogether because each is pretty complex and trying to sum them up in this blog would not do the justice it needs.
During my lifetime I've only had one grandparents. Another curse of being born late I think. My mother's mother, Catherine Anne Lipari. The nicest woman I think I've ever known. She was a big influence in my life. She was really my first experience with death too, at least human death. She had a minor stroke we think when she was i her 80s, and came from Brooklyn to live with us. Over that time she slowly got worse and we found out that she had cancer. She lived with us at our house for about a year and a half along with a Hospice nurse until passing away on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, 1994-during the big Ice Storm of that year actually. I was always said to be her favorite grandson, because my name was the name of her husband-Peter Lipari. Peter is someone I always wonder about. I bear this man's name and all I know is what my mother has told me of him. My siblings have never really spoken much of him, and to this day I carry 2 pictures in my wallet of him. I often wonder if he's watching over me from heaven and what advice he could offer to me if he were still here or could hear my prayers. He seemed like such a together person. He was a jack of all trades I've been told, always studying and he had a bunch of jobs as well. Maybe one day I will find out-I do look forward to that greatly.
Both Granda Catherine and Grandpa Peter were both from Brooklyn as is most of the rest of my family. My fathers side is from Brooklyn in Sheepshead Bay as well. My parents lived in NYC for some time when my sister was born, and my brother too. We are a pretty wealthy family, and that is a story in itself-due largely to my father's exploits. My father's family was never very wealthy and my mother's moderately. My father never finished college-in truth he went for two years in New Orleans and returned home to wed my mother. Over the years he kept going to night school and learning as much as he could eventually pushing himself upto managerial positions in Bell and then AT&T. He retired in his 50s, pretty young for retirement, and very well off due to some scrupulous saving and strong investments.
My sister is married and has two children, a boy and a girl. Alyssa and Marc are my niece and nephew, whom I love very much. I'm quite attached to both of them and being at college the past 3 years suddenly not around them as much as I was in the past definitely tugs at my heart. My brother is not married, but has a girlfriend of about 9-8 years. He tends to stay in a relationship for a long time, but I hope this one works out for him.
And then there are my friends. Since highschool I kept in good touch with a number of them, but after sophmore year they began to drop off quicker and now my best friends are Matthew Radzio (my best friend since the 2cd grade), Amar Trivedi, Andrew Apostolopolous, Kevin Teterenko, Jesse Burdett, Christine Muter, Tammy Fox, and Terri Yost. They are the ones I really keep in contact with anymore and chat with frequently. I admit some of the fallouts have been my own fault, as I've not kept in touch as much, but truth be told I'm not online chatting as much as I once was. Things get weird and you don't want to seem like you're trying to renew an old friendship out of guilt either. At least that's how I justify it I guess.
As for me as a person I think that I'm a very positive person. I do not think, however, that I am a very good person. I've done a lot of wrong things in my life, and I have known most of them were wrong before doing them. I was a pretty good child up until elementary school when I began lying. I still lie to this day, although not as compulsively as before. When I was little I would steal chocolate or candy and I'd lie about it if confronted or found out. Even in situations where I probably knew the evidence was all against me, I'd still lie. And I stole as well. I've never admitted this to anyone, it's something I'd just rather go away. I still may not admit the extent to which I've stolen. The first time I can remember stealing was in the 1st grade. There was a very annoying kid in my class, Peter Kotenko. Disliked by many and most probably an ADD case, he has these micro machines that changed color in water. I took two of them simply because I think I wanted them. I got away with that, and I think I even still have them at home. This was not to be the last of my stealing.
Over the years I've stolen from people, little things-pens pencils, etc. Things got bigger and more serious the older I got. I began at some point to steal money from my parents. Again it was all because I wanted things. I was never deprived as a child and that is what truly I think makes me a bastard in a sense that I would do something like that to my parents. That I am coming to grips with this now and writing it I hope shows that there is some I steal, but I do feel guilty about it. I used to steal from my parents but I have cut that to almost never now. The last time I took anything from my parents was over a year ago. I still steal though, and some have been pretty serious.
When I worked at Toys R Us, my first job I stole a good deal from them. I would bring things into an area in the store that was called the defects area. Usually items that were returned defective were brought there and then sorted out to be returned etc. I would steal all sorts of toys etc out of stupidity. I got promoted to the Security Booth which housed all the video games and electronics. I took a good deal of Nintendo 64 games from them during my tenure. My next job was Electronics Boutique Express-or EBX. I stole from them too, usually computer games. I actually took money from the cash register then too. This was where I started to become too daring and if I was caught maybe things would have been for the better.
At Shop-Rite I worked the Kodak counter and the Lottery. I would steal money from that register too, and Lottery tickets. I almost got in trouble for that one, deep trouble but it didn't happen. On a long enough timeline though I will get caught, and it will be serious. I've seriously been cutting back, and soon I won't steal at all I hope. Maybe it will be a New Year's resolution. I don't really have any NEED to steal. I have everything that I need, that is, and I shouldn't have all the things that I want. Stealing kind of cheapens the value of things anyways. So my next job was an internship at American International Group. I didn't steal much from them, a stapler, some folders etc. I was earning enough from them that I didn't need to steal. I did steal something pretty big from them, though and I'm so ashamed of it that I will not say what here. I don't know why I steal-maybe it stems from some inadequacy that I feel. I think that I buy things in general to compensate for the lonliness I feel in my life. I've only sort of known love once, love of a partner that is, and it is something I deeply desire.
So I am in college now, and no longer a big stealer. I try not to lie as much as I used to either. I used to tell some big lies, for example that I hadn't stolen money from my parents. Lies about how I did in school. The worst of the lies though are to other people, my friends and colleagues. Their purpose-to make me look better than I am. As confident as I can feel I know that I am insecure, something I'm working on all the time. I feel inadequate a lot and I have a compelling urge to impress others and seem cool or important. I think this stems from middle school and highschool when I was never really one of the popular crowd and sometimes made fun of and shunned. As an adult, I really don't care as much about these things as I once did, but I obviously still do to an extent. I like about things that make me seem like someone I'm not, probably because I think that the person I am isn't good enough in some way to attract people as friends or someone who a woman would want. This is something I have been trying to address, by bolstering my confidence through weight-loss, and not lying. I'm trying to be honest with people and not say something for the sake of saying it. Often times the white lies I tell are out of necessity of needing something to say. They hurt no one, but in truth they bother me.
It had gotten to the point where I started to believe my lies as if they were true. Not completely, but I was so comfortable with lying it should have upset me. It does somewhat, which is why there has been a drastic cutback. I don't know if I'll ever be able to come clean with a lot of it, but I plan to repent my sins and put them in my past. I am sorry for them and it is time to stop doing stupid things and act like a man.
As for other flaws I think I have, I can be jealous. I am usually jealous of people who have love because of my lack of it. Whenever someone is around me who has a girlfriend or when they talk about their exploits with women I feel some resentment towards them. I've only had one girlfriend in my 21 years, and that is far too few. Whether I'm good for anyone is a whole other matter. Jane Nicholson was her name and I was truly very happy with her. I was so happy to BE in a relationship at that point that it may have had something to do with it. I'm pretty shy and unexperienced in that realm. I can see the things I want to do or say, like a movie almost, but usually I am too shy or chicken to act on them. Jane and I worked because she was a bit forward in the beginning and we started our relationship at first chatting online, which I'd grown very accustomed and comfortable to conversing through IMs rather than face to face. She became my first girlfriend and I truly enjoyed the time we shared together. We were together for about 3 months, and we broke up as a result of a fight. I may never know what all the reasons were but that is something I'll talk of maybe another time.
So one relationship, and many crushes. That is how it goes for me, admire from afar, daydream of what I'd do, and then never do it, and I'm sure many an opportunity passes me by. Every night before falling asleep as I lay there it's what I think of. I dream of it, and I think of it during the day. I want to find someone I love. I'm tired and weary of being alone, but I don't do much about it so I am to blame in the end. I am unhappy because I am alone, and I am alone because I fail to act when I should. It is a bad situation but slowly I feel I am taking more risks and it will not continue like this indefinitely. Most of it stems from just not knowing what to do or the right way. And by the right way I mean me getting the girl. I think I should realize that's not how it works lol. You can't make someone like you, you have no choice in the matter at all!
The pattern usually plays out like this: I like a girl, I become friends with her and at some point I act like a wuss and confess it to her. She's not interested in me like that, the topic is dropped but I secretly still like her. There have been a few girls my heart has longed for. Allison Bevan, Kelly Mojka, Stacey Evans, Kate Tahmoush, Rachel Herrington, and Kristin Schuliar. The past 2 are still prospects. Kate I have hinted at, but have never come out and said anything. I don't know what I'll do with her, but I do really like her, and I would be very blessed if she ever had feelings for me. I often wonder IF she does and is just as shy as me to convey them.
Those are my main flaws I think. I used to be quite lazy, but I've gotten much better in recent years. In fact I haven't missed a class this semester, quite an accomplishment for me. For my strengths, I am a man of pretty strong faith. I am Roman Catholic, and a Christian and I believe in God. Yes do I believe in him among how many of those who lose their faith turn agnostic or atheist. I believe will all my heart that God DOES exist, and it is a blind faith of sorts. I feel that is the only way to really be a Christian. It takes a huge leap of faith on the believer. It's very comforting to know I'll be in paradise one day, if I get my act together. I think I am a very good person in general, and in character. I care about my friends and family, and in my heart I generally want to do good. I hold doors open for women, and the elderly, even just regular people. I try to make others laugh and cheer them up. I'm often trying to make others think that their problems are not as terrifying or intimidating as they really are. I like that role of mediator and I find myself doing it daily.
This blog really is a way for me to put down all my faults and problems so that maybe I can fix them. If I can see why I am doing things then maybe I can change them. That is all for today. I'm starting off a convo with a girl from Match.com, Jessica, who I will be honest with from day one.