Ok well here goes. I created this blog this morning, after seriously thinking about doing it for like a month. This blog is going to be a journal of sorts where I write about myself. My real self that is-no facade, no screen over who I am, and no lies. If I can't be honest with MYSELF how the hell will I ever stop lying to others?
So lets gets started eh? I'm 21 years old, and I was born on April 8, 1982, making me an Aries. I was born in Northvale, New Jersey, a town that is somewhere in the North (ironic no?) of New Jersey. When I was about 2 my family moved to Bridgewater, NJ which is Central NJ, and almost as center in the state as you can get. We've lived there since. Growing up the majority of my life in Bridgewater, I've come to find it was a wonderful place to grow up. When we first moved there, there were more cows than people, and it was pretty unpopulated. My how things can change in 18 years. But then again when I think about it, 18 years is a long time...
I went to preschool at the Temple Shalom, which is a block from where I live. I started kindergarten and the first grade at Van Holten Elementary school. After 1st grade there was some weird school education boundary redrawing and I then attended Crim Elementary school for grades 2-5. I went to Hillside Middle school for grades 6 and 7, and then to Bridgewater-Raritan Middle school for grade 8. (The first class to graduate from the converted highschool actually) There used to be two highschools in Bridgewater, BR-East and BR-West. When we moved to Bridgewater my brother was just entering his senior year of highschool and he went to BR-East. Because of the rapid expansion and population of Bridgewater they turned BR-East into BRMS, and Hillside became another middle school. For highschool I attended the former BR-West, which is just known as the Bridgewater-Raritan Regional Highschool. I live pretty much in the center of my town. I'm less than 5-10 minutes from all these schools and near enough to major highways. Our town is home to the Bridgewater-Commons mall, and a damn fine one I think at that. I live only 2 minutes from it, so I've been there quite a bit. Most of my friends live either in Martinsville, Bridgewater, or Raritan. They're all surrounding Bridgewater, so it's not far to any of them really. The closest friends are Amar Trivedi, Andrew Apostolopolous and Jaymie Price. They're all about under 5 minutes time to.
So here's where my story begins really. I have a brother and a sister, both older and a bit at that. I was the last born in the family, making me the youngest. My sister is 35 or 36 and my brother is about to be 34. My father is 62 and my mother has just turned 60. Seems old now that I type it out and see it in that form. Most of my friends' parents are in their 40s. I respect my parents a great deal and I'm very grateful for how they've raised me. They've always tried to do their best with me and I've never really made it all that easy. It's a known fact that I'm quite a bit more spoiled than my brother and sister put together. Not that that's MY fault, or that I asked for it, but it's the fact of the matter nonetheless. I was a pretty happy kid, and my childhood was a happy one. Having a brother and sister who are that much older is a double-edged sword. My sister was out of the house to college pretty soon after we moved to Bridgewater. My brother afterwards. My sister moved out of the house a year after graduation I think, but definitely within 2. My brother was at home for about 4 years before moving out. The two of them are like second parents to me, very different people in their own respects. They are their own post altogether because each is pretty complex and trying to sum them up in this blog would not do the justice it needs.
During my lifetime I've only had one grandparents. Another curse of being born late I think. My mother's mother, Catherine Anne Lipari. The nicest woman I think I've ever known. She was a big influence in my life. She was really my first experience with death too, at least human death. She had a minor stroke we think when she was i her 80s, and came from Brooklyn to live with us. Over that time she slowly got worse and we found out that she had cancer. She lived with us at our house for about a year and a half along with a Hospice nurse until passing away on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, 1994-during the big Ice Storm of that year actually. I was always said to be her favorite grandson, because my name was the name of her husband-Peter Lipari. Peter is someone I always wonder about. I bear this man's name and all I know is what my mother has told me of him. My siblings have never really spoken much of him, and to this day I carry 2 pictures in my wallet of him. I often wonder if he's watching over me from heaven and what advice he could offer to me if he were still here or could hear my prayers. He seemed like such a together person. He was a jack of all trades I've been told, always studying and he had a bunch of jobs as well. Maybe one day I will find out-I do look forward to that greatly.
Both Granda Catherine and Grandpa Peter were both from Brooklyn as is most of the rest of my family. My fathers side is from Brooklyn in Sheepshead Bay as well. My parents lived in NYC for some time when my sister was born, and my brother too. We are a pretty wealthy family, and that is a story in itself-due largely to my father's exploits. My father's family was never very wealthy and my mother's moderately. My father never finished college-in truth he went for two years in New Orleans and returned home to wed my mother. Over the years he kept going to night school and learning as much as he could eventually pushing himself upto managerial positions in Bell and then AT&T. He retired in his 50s, pretty young for retirement, and very well off due to some scrupulous saving and strong investments.
My sister is married and has two children, a boy and a girl. Alyssa and Marc are my niece and nephew, whom I love very much. I'm quite attached to both of them and being at college the past 3 years suddenly not around them as much as I was in the past definitely tugs at my heart. My brother is not married, but has a girlfriend of about 9-8 years. He tends to stay in a relationship for a long time, but I hope this one works out for him.
And then there are my friends. Since highschool I kept in good touch with a number of them, but after sophmore year they began to drop off quicker and now my best friends are Matthew Radzio (my best friend since the 2cd grade), Amar Trivedi, Andrew Apostolopolous, Kevin Teterenko, Jesse Burdett, Christine Muter, Tammy Fox, and Terri Yost. They are the ones I really keep in contact with anymore and chat with frequently. I admit some of the fallouts have been my own fault, as I've not kept in touch as much, but truth be told I'm not online chatting as much as I once was. Things get weird and you don't want to seem like you're trying to renew an old friendship out of guilt either. At least that's how I justify it I guess.
As for me as a person I think that I'm a very positive person. I do not think, however, that I am a very good person. I've done a lot of wrong things in my life, and I have known most of them were wrong before doing them. I was a pretty good child up until elementary school when I began lying. I still lie to this day, although not as compulsively as before. When I was little I would steal chocolate or candy and I'd lie about it if confronted or found out. Even in situations where I probably knew the evidence was all against me, I'd still lie. And I stole as well. I've never admitted this to anyone, it's something I'd just rather go away. I still may not admit the extent to which I've stolen. The first time I can remember stealing was in the 1st grade. There was a very annoying kid in my class, Peter Kotenko. Disliked by many and most probably an ADD case, he has these micro machines that changed color in water. I took two of them simply because I think I wanted them. I got away with that, and I think I even still have them at home. This was not to be the last of my stealing.
Over the years I've stolen from people, little things-pens pencils, etc. Things got bigger and more serious the older I got. I began at some point to steal money from my parents. Again it was all because I wanted things. I was never deprived as a child and that is what truly I think makes me a bastard in a sense that I would do something like that to my parents. That I am coming to grips with this now and writing it I hope shows that there is some I steal, but I do feel guilty about it. I used to steal from my parents but I have cut that to almost never now. The last time I took anything from my parents was over a year ago. I still steal though, and some have been pretty serious.
When I worked at Toys R Us, my first job I stole a good deal from them. I would bring things into an area in the store that was called the defects area. Usually items that were returned defective were brought there and then sorted out to be returned etc. I would steal all sorts of toys etc out of stupidity. I got promoted to the Security Booth which housed all the video games and electronics. I took a good deal of Nintendo 64 games from them during my tenure. My next job was Electronics Boutique Express-or EBX. I stole from them too, usually computer games. I actually took money from the cash register then too. This was where I started to become too daring and if I was caught maybe things would have been for the better.
At Shop-Rite I worked the Kodak counter and the Lottery. I would steal money from that register too, and Lottery tickets. I almost got in trouble for that one, deep trouble but it didn't happen. On a long enough timeline though I will get caught, and it will be serious. I've seriously been cutting back, and soon I won't steal at all I hope. Maybe it will be a New Year's resolution. I don't really have any NEED to steal. I have everything that I need, that is, and I shouldn't have all the things that I want. Stealing kind of cheapens the value of things anyways. So my next job was an internship at American International Group. I didn't steal much from them, a stapler, some folders etc. I was earning enough from them that I didn't need to steal. I did steal something pretty big from them, though and I'm so ashamed of it that I will not say what here. I don't know why I steal-maybe it stems from some inadequacy that I feel. I think that I buy things in general to compensate for the lonliness I feel in my life. I've only sort of known love once, love of a partner that is, and it is something I deeply desire.
So I am in college now, and no longer a big stealer. I try not to lie as much as I used to either. I used to tell some big lies, for example that I hadn't stolen money from my parents. Lies about how I did in school. The worst of the lies though are to other people, my friends and colleagues. Their purpose-to make me look better than I am. As confident as I can feel I know that I am insecure, something I'm working on all the time. I feel inadequate a lot and I have a compelling urge to impress others and seem cool or important. I think this stems from middle school and highschool when I was never really one of the popular crowd and sometimes made fun of and shunned. As an adult, I really don't care as much about these things as I once did, but I obviously still do to an extent. I like about things that make me seem like someone I'm not, probably because I think that the person I am isn't good enough in some way to attract people as friends or someone who a woman would want. This is something I have been trying to address, by bolstering my confidence through weight-loss, and not lying. I'm trying to be honest with people and not say something for the sake of saying it. Often times the white lies I tell are out of necessity of needing something to say. They hurt no one, but in truth they bother me.
It had gotten to the point where I started to believe my lies as if they were true. Not completely, but I was so comfortable with lying it should have upset me. It does somewhat, which is why there has been a drastic cutback. I don't know if I'll ever be able to come clean with a lot of it, but I plan to repent my sins and put them in my past. I am sorry for them and it is time to stop doing stupid things and act like a man.
As for other flaws I think I have, I can be jealous. I am usually jealous of people who have love because of my lack of it. Whenever someone is around me who has a girlfriend or when they talk about their exploits with women I feel some resentment towards them. I've only had one girlfriend in my 21 years, and that is far too few. Whether I'm good for anyone is a whole other matter. Jane Nicholson was her name and I was truly very happy with her. I was so happy to BE in a relationship at that point that it may have had something to do with it. I'm pretty shy and unexperienced in that realm. I can see the things I want to do or say, like a movie almost, but usually I am too shy or chicken to act on them. Jane and I worked because she was a bit forward in the beginning and we started our relationship at first chatting online, which I'd grown very accustomed and comfortable to conversing through IMs rather than face to face. She became my first girlfriend and I truly enjoyed the time we shared together. We were together for about 3 months, and we broke up as a result of a fight. I may never know what all the reasons were but that is something I'll talk of maybe another time.
So one relationship, and many crushes. That is how it goes for me, admire from afar, daydream of what I'd do, and then never do it, and I'm sure many an opportunity passes me by. Every night before falling asleep as I lay there it's what I think of. I dream of it, and I think of it during the day. I want to find someone I love. I'm tired and weary of being alone, but I don't do much about it so I am to blame in the end. I am unhappy because I am alone, and I am alone because I fail to act when I should. It is a bad situation but slowly I feel I am taking more risks and it will not continue like this indefinitely. Most of it stems from just not knowing what to do or the right way. And by the right way I mean me getting the girl. I think I should realize that's not how it works lol. You can't make someone like you, you have no choice in the matter at all!
The pattern usually plays out like this: I like a girl, I become friends with her and at some point I act like a wuss and confess it to her. She's not interested in me like that, the topic is dropped but I secretly still like her. There have been a few girls my heart has longed for. Allison Bevan, Kelly Mojka, Stacey Evans, Kate Tahmoush, Rachel Herrington, and Kristin Schuliar. The past 2 are still prospects. Kate I have hinted at, but have never come out and said anything. I don't know what I'll do with her, but I do really like her, and I would be very blessed if she ever had feelings for me. I often wonder IF she does and is just as shy as me to convey them.
Those are my main flaws I think. I used to be quite lazy, but I've gotten much better in recent years. In fact I haven't missed a class this semester, quite an accomplishment for me. For my strengths, I am a man of pretty strong faith. I am Roman Catholic, and a Christian and I believe in God. Yes do I believe in him among how many of those who lose their faith turn agnostic or atheist. I believe will all my heart that God DOES exist, and it is a blind faith of sorts. I feel that is the only way to really be a Christian. It takes a huge leap of faith on the believer. It's very comforting to know I'll be in paradise one day, if I get my act together. I think I am a very good person in general, and in character. I care about my friends and family, and in my heart I generally want to do good. I hold doors open for women, and the elderly, even just regular people. I try to make others laugh and cheer them up. I'm often trying to make others think that their problems are not as terrifying or intimidating as they really are. I like that role of mediator and I find myself doing it daily.
This blog really is a way for me to put down all my faults and problems so that maybe I can fix them. If I can see why I am doing things then maybe I can change them. That is all for today. I'm starting off a convo with a girl from Match.com, Jessica, who I will be honest with from day one.