Time to do a big mass update once again. It's November of 2006. The last time I wrote was 2 years ago in this. I hate digging up the past but I think it's important to recount things so that memory won't muddle them over the years. So here goes...
During my senior year of college I was on MySpace and putzed around with Match. I was still at school so it was difficult to really meet any women from home, but I still played around with it. It was around that January that I found Jess' profile. I think it was simply jdawgqt. I winked at her, and wrote her a message and got a reply. When I first started talking to her I remember she was really sick with like the Flu and that her little sister Molly's birthday was just around the corner (as was hers). We continued to chat online for a week or two and moved onto talking on the phone. We talked almost every day from that January until we met.
My senior year of college was awesome. The Red House has some amazing parties, and that Halloween was definitely one of the best I've ever had. I was Ace Ventura, and Matt, Amar, Christine and Dena all came up to spend the weekend. Great times. I went home for Easter, the night after celebrating my 22cd birthday. It was a great time but I go SOooooo sick. And I had to drive home the next day hungover...and I NEVER get hung over. So I was home to visit with my sister, niece and nephew.
I talked to Jess over the weekend and we almost ended meeting up but we didn't. We didn't get to either after I got home in the middle of May and went to a concert right away. We met at the end of May sometime around the 24th-28th. I liked her at first sight, and I felt very comfortable around her because I had talked to her so I basically already knew her. We hung out a few times a week and started to get romantic. She had a lot of problems. Her best friend had been killed in a car crash the previous December and she was battling deep bouts of depression. She was in debt because of spending a ton of money on clothes and things to cope with that. She was also still hung up on her ex who had cheated on her. Her family life was very screwed up as well, but I'll go into that more later.
So we started to get romantically involved, kissing outside my house etc. I was slow to rush into anything but she was half-afraid of committing anyways. Finally around the Fourth Of July we were an official couple. I'll say that I enjoyed a lot about our relationship. I liked her personality and that she was a smart girl. She seemed like she had her head on straight for the most part. It was her neuroticism, pessimism and self-esteem issues that ultimately killed things.
I consider her my first "love" in every essence of the word. And the first half a year was amazing. I tried very hard to fit with her family and I grew to love her youngest sister Molly. Molly was starved for affection mainly because Jess' family was very dysfunctional. Her mother was an alcoholic, and her father drank a bit too much as well. He was also a compulsive liar. He had a run in with a prostitute where he got arrested once years ago, and the mother NEVER got over it. She resented him for it and it honestly would have been better had they just divorced and stayed in the childrens' lives.
The middle daughter Sara was the "perfect" child in their parents eyes. Jess had not gone on to play basketball in college and her father resented her for it in a wasted talent sort of way. Sara basically got away with just about anything she wanted. She looked nothing like her sisters, blonde hair, blue eyed. She also played basketball and you could tell the father wanted her to go all the way. He had played in college and it felt like he wanted a son more than a daughter.
So the family had a LOT of strife. There were some scary times there where the parents would get into screaming matches, and I'll never forget the one time I was standing outside with Molly and we were sitting on the porch steps. She said she was sorry to me. I asked her what for, and she replied "That you had to hear this." She was much more mature than her age would let on. Honestly I miss Molly more than anything out of that relationship and family. She was a sweet child but very spoiled,(since gifts were usually a substitute for proper-parenting, affection and love), but she was the only one I ever thought really cared. It was like having a little sister and it made me feel good. I feel badly that I never got to say goodbye to her, or at the least let her know that the reason I'd never see or talk to her again wasn't because I didn't like her. I never wanted her to feel like I rejected her or didn't care, because I do. I hope she does well in life.
So things went well that year until Christmas. The first twinges of weirdness were when Jess made a huge deal about hating Christmas. I don't know anyone who hates Christmas, and openly says it open. I understood it was a tough time because her friend had been killed around then, but Christmas has always been my happiest time of year. So I tried to give her the best one I could. She met me on Christmas Day at my sister's house and it was a great time. During that December though her mom went nuts one night and got very drunk. When she drank she got nasty, to her family and especially the father. She threw a knife at him and he called the cops on her. I had friends over to watch a movie, and I had to leave and rush over there, making it there in about 40 minutes, which is impressive. (She lived in Ocean township, or Wanamassa. That was a really tough night and the things her family did put Jess under a lot of stress. Deep down she resented her parents and how they favored her sister Sara. She would never admit it, but she never needed to-it was obvious.
There were other disturbing times with her parents and a lot of turmoil that I stuck with her through. I like to think it's hard to find someone as supportive as I was considering what I had to put up with. Her mother would badmouth me behind my back and it was clear both parents didn't think much of me. I made every attempt to be respectful and polite but it really didn't make a difference. Although not a bad neighborhood (even for being next to Asbury Park), the people were lower and lower-middle class. A lot of the time the term white-trash came into my mind, but they really weren't. It was more how it was like elementary the relationships between friends/neighbors were there. They would all talk behind other peoples' backs, and there was no end.
So Jess' birthday rolled around as did Valentine's Day, and I did special things for each. I did love her with all my heart and I tried to make that known. I remember her ex called her on her birthday and upset her a ton just by calling. After these 7 months I was learning how much baggage and scarring she had from the past. Things didn't start getting weird until that spring. She had just finished her Junior year of school (which I had helped her move in AND out for), and had gotten an internship with the SEC in NYC. We went in May to help her find her way to the building. Easy work since I'd worked on Wall St. and the area for a time. It was about this time that I felt like I turned into a bit of a wussy, which is probably what prompted some of the following months events.
The first twinge was when she admitted she had gotten "butterflies" when a guy she didn't know looked at her on the train. That struck me as being very screwed up where she seemed like she almost looked forward to seeing him. But I'm not a man of low-self-esteem so it didn't really bother me. When you're in love you're blinded to a lot of things that in hindsight are 20/20. She had to commute to the city every day which was rough for her. I was working at Intellisync since that February. I had actually taken her with me on vacation to see my parents in Ft. Myers Beach, Florida. That wasn't a bad trip, but more things were made obvious such as her insecurity and dislike for her body.
That summer things started to shift. She would get pissed about some stupid things and had to take "a break" that September. It was stupid, and I think breaks are retarded and never solve anything. They're just a delayed breakup, but I acquiesced. She broke down on the phone twice, and there was a MySpace incident at one point too where I had commented on some slutty girl's myspace as a joke, and she went into my account and saw it. In hindsight I should have stood my ground more, and not been so apologetic. I hadn't done anything wrong, it wasn't even flirting and definitely not cheating.
I don't believe in cheating. I never have and I never will. I'm one of the elite few who says that today and it will be able to truthfully say it the day I die. I don't understand it and it's something that is not a part of who I am. I am a good person, and I wouldn't ever hurt someone I loved like that.
So things got worse that fall. Jess admitted she didn't crave sex or enjoy it. And that started to wean out. That fall we had a few more tiffs. That Halloween was very awkward and things just didn't feel right. In the beginning of November we had the best sex we'd ever had. That night was amazing and I was actually shaking at the end of it. I thought things were on the mend. They weren't.
I'll never forget the night she cheated on me, because it was the night of the XBox 360 launch. I went to the mall for the midnight release and I thought it was odd I didn't get a call from her that evening. She had gone out over a friend of a friend's place, and ended up kissing this guy there. I got the call at like 3am. She was in tears telling me she had done something. I already knew what she had done before she said it. What angered me the most about the whole thing was how adamant she was when we first met and discussed cheating and infidelity. She had had it happen to her so you'd think that she would have been less prone to doing it, knowing how it feels on the receiving end. That didn't stop her apparently. After it happened we took a break for a few days. I saw her at some point and we went Christmas shopping and sort of made up. Then we took a longer break a few days later. Once again like the previous September, she "couldn't do this anymore." She felt pressured, like "this was it" and all this other crazy bullshit. Enough was enough, I told her to take as much time as she needed but I needed an answer. It wasn't fair to me to make me wait.
We were set to go to a Bon Jovi concert 2 days before Christmas. I hadn't seen her except a few days before it and that was the first time in over a month's time. Things seemed like they were going alright, but she acted weird all night. She thought I was acting distant around her, when my friends showed up. Nothing could have been more false. I was happy to see her and I wanted to make things work. She was nasty to me the entire night. Spent the whole concert ignoring me, and texting someone. The guy she had cheated with she continued to "hang out" with for the past few weeks. I told her that was ridiculous and he ended up embarassing her anyways in front of all his friends. All he wanted from her was one thing, that much was obvious.
So that night she was supposed to stay over and drive home in the morning but when we got back she started gathering up her things in dead silence. I asked her on the way out if she was mad at me, and she tried to shrug it off. An hour-long argument ensued where she told me she wasn't attracted to me. "I can't pretend/force something that just isn't there for me" was one of the things she said. She was afraid to tell me, since she had always tried to come across as not materialistic or vain, that she wasn't attracted to me, or my body. She kept bringing up how "I looked in high school." Not that she looked anything like hers in high school either. It sounded like a bunch of bullshit. She was reaching for excuses just to get out either because she was scared or wasn't ready to commit. I was in tears and heart-broken.
But the craziness didn't stop there. Christmas Eve I get texts from her asking if I'm coming to spend it with her. What the fuck? You just dumped me 2 days before Christmas and I'm supposed to come spend it with you? I don't know what planet she was doing 'ludes on, but it wasn't Earth. I told her I didn't think that would be a good idea. I didn't want to be around her, and I had to go to church with my family. My Family, the only people in the world I can always count on, who love me unconditionally. I didn't want to be around her. She didn't DESERVE to be around me. She got mad. "It's because of shit like this that it's over." She was neurotic and made no sense. She had an inferiority complex that I always but my family ahead of her. And most of the time I had to. She didn't give me ANY reason to put her first, just a bunch of reasons not to.
After that I cut pretty much all contact. I didn't want to talk to her. Around the time that the Orange Bowl was, (that night actually) she texted me asking if we could talk. That was in that January and we had a whole heart-to-heart. She apologized and we talked for like an hour. She wrote me a huge email afterwards. (I'll add it in here later because I bet it's still in my Gmail) I ramped up my heart to deal with everything again and give things a real second chance. I still loved her despite her betrayal. Then the shit really hit the fan.
The next day, right after she wrote me that huge email, I got nasty IMs from her at work. She had gone into my Gmail account and read my personal email. Chrissy, that New Years Eve, had suggested setting me up with her friend Kristen. She was a cute girl but it was way too soon and I wasn't ready to date. I had told her no. Jess had seen the email and accused me of moving on and dating other people and all this other crap. She saw emails from my friend Beth, who had been a "muse" of sorts during this troubling time. That was the last straw I'd really had enough. Within a few weeks she had a new boyfriend already. Within weeks of telling me "I miss my spot on your bed and you" and other cliche bs. Obviously didn't take her long to move on. I checked her away message and she kept having up crap about him. She said her roommates had done it but yet again another message was up a few days later.
My brother intervened although I really didn't care at this point and tore her a new one on IM. I worked from home the next day and I got this flurry of IMs from her accusing me of telling him to do it, and demanding an apology. She wasn't just a "classless whore." In fact all of the events that past month had only proven that that was indeed what she was. I didn't reply to anything, and I haven't since. She had sent IMs ranging from apologetic to provoking. One of the most messed up things about her was that she was so "one way one minute, the exact opposite the next." She may have been bi-polar. She would swing from one view to another so suddenly sometimes. "Do you really think so little of me that you can't even say hello?" was one IM, and in truth yes I did.
She tried im'ing me a few times that spring, texting etc. She texted me the night before her graduation saying thanks for getting her through the rough times, and she was sorry how things ended. (Right...)She sent me a MySpace message in August '06 when I started with Merck. That wasn't a message so much as it turned into a brag-a-thon. I hadn't talked to her since February, nor had I asked her how she was doing or initiated ANY contact. Yet she still persisted. She bragged about her job, how she was taking a trip to Italy and other foolishness, and that she "Just wanted to reach out to me." I don't know why she's reaching or what makes her think any part of my mind or heart thinks anything of her any moer. The most recent contact was an IM last night, November 6, 2006. How ironic almost exactly a year since she cheated. It was a "Just wanted to say hello" but again why would she think I care? Why keep "reaching out" to me if you get no response?
She obviously still thinks about me all the time, and I hope so. I hope she realizes what a horrible thing she did
how horribly she treated me
that she deserves nothing from me, not a hello, not an IM, not a text.
Fallout Boy's "Chicago Is So Two Years Ago" says it best:You want apologies girl you might hold your breath until your breathing stops forever, Forever
The only thing you'll get is this curse on your lips:
I hope they taste of me forever
If you had asked me a year ago today, I would never, ever have been able to imagine things turning out like this. I saw us "together" for the long-haul, but what happened totally sobered my view and made me much more cautious. But I'm glad.
That's right I said it I'm glad. I'm glad I had my heart stomped on. I'm glad I went through the relationship, bad as much as the good. I know better what and who I don't
want now, and the warning signs for cracked out women like her.
And my life has been great ever since. I've broken free of the oppressive shackles our relationship had become. I'm not tied to her and criticized for spending time with my friends. I don't need to spend money on a woman who doesn't appreciate anything I do for her, just criticized what I didn't and who I wasn't according to her messed up Disney ideals.
She can't run away from herself, who she is or her family. She may have talked about that, but it will never happen. She's stuck here, and now that's for sure since she's still with that guy. When people used to ask me if I agreed with "once a cheater always a cheater" I would have told them I believe people change. Maybe they do, and maybe my thoughts haven't shifted so much from that viewpoint, but with regards to Jessica she will always be a cheater at heart. She's with a man but still thinks of me, and I know regret stains her heart. But who she was to me, all she ever was is just as stained, a tainted withered piece of paper floating in the deep recess of my heart. Each passing day that paper disintegrates a little bit more, and it's so infinitesimally small I never think of her any more.
And I could have had my revenge.
I could have posted videos to defame her on the internet.
I could have screwed up her relationship.
I could have pierced her heart with sadness and really made her regret her actions.
But that's not who I am. I met a man with too many faces, the mask I wear is one.
And every day it eats away at her, I know it does. And my life has never been better. I'm dating, and I've met some amazing new friends. Something she was always jealous of me for too.
And I may be getting far away from NJ, and although that makes me sad to leave behind everything I've ever known,
I'm content in who I am.
I'm content in what I stand for and
I'm content in the man that I've become and will continue to strive to be.
I'm not stuck with her anymore, but she'll always be stuck with herself. I'll ride the wave, where it takes me.
I'll open it up, Release Me...