Ok well it's time to post about my failed one and only relationship. I've looked all over thinking I had this put down somewhere but I didn't.
So I met Jane in my writing 205 class. One of the worst fucking classes I ever took as SU ever. And I was at the point directly after where I had stopped openly searching for women. I figured if something good was gonna happen it would kind of land in my lap, and if it didn't I wasn't going to go to leaps and bounds to seek it out. I was spent on doing that at the time. So it was right then that I met Jane. We chatted in class a bit, and I think it was the day I teased her about this "flagpole" that her highschool had up there that was supposed to be on the highest hill in the area. Looking back I wish I knew then what I've found out from other people as far as 2 years into the future. For example that the highschool she went to, MPH Manley's Private Hall, was a private school where a lot of stuck ups came from. There were a lot of warning signs that came early on during out relationship, but I think I was more in love with the idea of a relationship than I ever came to be with Jane herself.
So we chatted in class, which moved to online chatting. Then one night we met up at a party which was like a scene out of Dawson's Creek or something. I told her about it, and said maybe I'd see her there etc. Then I got there and like 2 of her friends screamed when they saw me in that stereotypical girlish chitter. We hung out for a bit there and she left to go home. I went later that night to chill with her at her dorm. We watched a movie, then a little making out, and 2 days later we were bf and gf. Things at that point were amazing. This was one of the happiest points of my life. We got together end of March of 2002, and were together until the end of that May. A big factor in it was the distance. Jane was from Cazenovia, which is 5 mins outside of Syracuse. I should have known better than to date a "townie" lol. So we hung out most every day, and it was really great. I didn't love Jane at first, but I was beginning to fall in love with her towards the end of the semester. As that drew up, I had a feeling that she was beginning to dislike how I didn't "need" her as much as she seemed to need me. She was kind of antisocial and never wanted to really go out to any parties. Friends would go out and I'd want to go but she'd want to stay in and do other things. So a lot of fun was missed the end of that semester due to her, but in my eyes I was getting the better end of the deal. Jane was a first in many ways, and as much as I felt for her, I knew one thing when I left that semester: I would never sleep with Jane. I didn't feel for her like that, and I knew this was not something I wanted to share with her. We did other stuff yeah, but I wasn't ready to do that with her, and I didn't see myself ever becoming ready to.
So we had the big "talk" towards the end of the semester. That summer she was going Austrailia for some special program, and then onto DC next semester to work some internship etc. I said I could be faithful just fine and do the long distance thing, but only if she could do it 100% too. I trusted her completely, and I had no problem with that. So we decided on that. Not a very dramatic but rather anticlimactic goodbye in front of my dorm, after she had met my Dad. A hug, a kiss, an about face and a continuation of my life. So I got home and we talked every day and things were still great. We had written emails to eachother and with each one from her she seemed to be getting stronger in us being apart. Actually I'm going to include the correspondence here, because they're good to get an idea of how much an about-face the shock of us breaking up was.
Hi sweetheart! I cannot believe how much I miss you. It's
driving me insane. At the same time, I'm so happy you're
doing well. I wouldn't want both of us to feel the way I do.
Things are going well for the most part. I don't really have
anything better to do than sit around and write every
single thought I have to you. It helps pass the time by. I'm
trying my hardest to keep my mind occupied, but nothing seems
to help. You mean the world to me peter, and I am more
convinced than ever that these feelings will not change.
Anyways, I just thought I'd email you because you were probably
wondering why I haven't yet. I want to be in your arms right
now. Sometimes I wish for the impossible. I Love you with
all my heart.
Tonight was bittersweet. Spiderman was awesome but the lead guy, (Spidey) his name was Peter Parker. And at the end when Kirten Dunst says I love you Peter I had like 4 diff flashbacks to you. I really wish I was with you too. I talked about you with Kelly tonight. She wants to meet you too :) I'm in a bad mood right now cuz leaving her house I walked into the railroad tie, tripped into the big bushes, flipped over and landed on the driveway asphalt. I have a bad skinned left knee, and I had a BUNCH of small splinters in my left hand. Got almost all of them out, except for 3 in the middle finger. I am leaving them for the night and I will try again in the morning. I was sitting on the toilet for 40 mins picking at them. The 3 just don't want to come out grrrrr. I don't want it to get infected and all swelled. It's like things go so well and then they get to suck for the hell of it. I still miss you as much as ever. I really do. 3 weeks cannot pass fast enough. Well tired I am, and I have a few chapters to read in my book yet before I allow myself to sleep. I'm sorry I didn't have my cell on me. After getting out of the movie theater, I called kelly from my car in the parking lot there. I left the phone on the seat next to me. I would have called, but no idea if you were sleeping at 1 amish or not. Hope you are well, please be happy. It is hard for me too. I am just occupying myself and putting as much joy in my heart as I can to mask the sorrow. Be strong. We both embarked on this journey, and it seems that long crooked road to you stretches a bit further. I think the strongest thing about me is my faith in matters. My religion, my friendships, and my love.
I have faith in that especially.
I love you very much my Jane.
You make things seem so much better for me. I'm trying so hard. It'll take me a few days, and I'm glad I'm getting out of town. I think being here makes it alot harder. It especially makes time go by slower. Hm... I think I'm going to call you. It's easier for me to talk than write sometimes. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Poor poor Petie :(
Peter... I was just thinking of you. I went out for a longgg walk after I got off the phone with you, and there were alot of thoughts that were going through my head. I don't even know where to begin. It's funny because i haven't had this much time to think in a long time. Been to busy! This might actually be a good thing for me. Anyways, I walked down to the lake when the sun was setting and all that was on my mind was us. I don't think I've ever cried so hard in public. At least not in 18 years that is. My heart is breaking because you're sick, and not because I don't get to see you (which obviously I am very upset about), but more because I can't be there to make you happy. Three months is a long time. I didn't think we'd have to wait this long. I am surprising myself with each passing day. I can't believe everyday I become more confident. Last summer it went in the opposite direction. I love you more and more each second, I feel like my heart is going to explode. I can't imagine me without you. I don't even want to try. I've stopped worrying, well, a lot less than I was a couple days ago. Something inside of me, this wonderful feeling that I can't explain keeps me going. Everything about you, down to the little details, makes me feel like I can do anything. Knowing that you're mine to hug and be with makes me feel like the luckiest individual alive. I'm not sure how I get through each day without you. It's hard, but somehow, something keeps me going. I come home happy from work. I'm happy even when we don't get the chance to talk. And I know, I'm so positive that this is all because I have you in my life. I don't depend on you for happiness, because that wouldnt be healthy, but you've brought something into my life that I had no idea even existed. You are so special to me, so different than anything I've ever experienced before that I'm not afraid. I'm not you. I don't know your every detailed feeling. But I know that I'm inside you. I know that I play a very big part in your life. That's a confidence I've never had. Three months ago, you could have told me that I was everything to you, and I wouldnt have believed it. But I have no reason but to believe that now. I need to hear that you love me. I don't know if that's asking too much, but it's something that touches my heart like nothing else. Ahhhh, i'm such a sap. But I'm allowed to be at times ;o) I wonder if you even want to hear any of this. Which I'm guessing you do. I don't know why anyone didnt catch you sooner than I did! You are the most amazing person I've ever come across. And you love me for me. That amazes me even more at times. You understand me, and you treat me like a human. Every quality, everything I've ever looked for in a guy, it's you. Peter, I don't want to be without you. We're going to get through this, and it's already making us stronger. I don't know if I can say this, but I'm proud of myself. I know what it's like to love and be loved. You and I, it's something I treasure with all my heart. I'm going to show you, everyday how much I love you. Well, to the best of my capabilities. I think I've written just about everything that I had on my mind. But I'm sure more will come up later. Feel better sweetie. I hope this helps.
I Love You
You didn't want to talk further, although tonight I would rather have. You might think you don't put me in a good mood but you always do. Just hearing from you makes it such a wonderful day. I can look past all the bad lately and see straight to that. My heart is so saddened that you might have any doubts concerning anything between us. I'm sorry that I'm not who you've had in the past, and I don't do things like they do. There's nothing I can do but say I'm sorry. I try for you, I really do. I haven't tried this much ever with a girl I've cared about. Ever. And the one girl who I would have, I was given as much notice as a stepping stone in a courtyard of nobles. We both are getting used to new things, and for me showing more affection is one of them. It has only been a short time we have been together. I haven't given up on anything. I hold stronger than the previous day, every new day. You tell me I don't know how much I mean to you. I say the same of you to me. Compare how you feel with me, and then double that. You warm my heart. I wish I had the breath to spurn the tirade of words I would wish to speak to you. Sometimes I feel awkward saying so much. You must understand my past experiences, or lack of thereof. You never leave my thoughts. You may think about me all the time, but you never leave my thoughts for a moment. I have all the time in the world sitting here sick, and believe me I spend it well. I think of you. I dream of you. I shed tears when I got sick. I can't remember feeling more horrible about something I did to another person than the day they called me telling me I had mono. My heart ached like I've never known. If you want to know a secret, I felt I was being punished for being so happy I was in a relationship. You didn't understand what I meant about needing a relationship at this point in my life. I did. I needed someone who cares about me the way that you do. I could describe with every word I know the extent which I miss you, and there wouldn't be 1/1000th enough words. My soul misses you, as does my mind. My heart breaks every day when I wake and realize I'm nowhere near you. That I won't see you for 2 months. Summer becomes an obstacle to get through. Not a time I see myself enjoying. I see going to work every day, routine this and routine that. With you not in my life everything seems very cold, and in sharp contrast to itself. I love you very much. I learn every day just how much. When I think I couldn't possibly love you any more, and my heart would burst, more just pours in. I can't do enough to express it. But I try. I try to let you know how much you mean. I guarantee you I've looked at our pictures more than you. And I know I've looked more. You may think you miss me more than I do you, but I know how much I miss you. Having someone living in the corner of your mind is something quite peculiar. It never goes away. You can try to mask it, and you can try to push it to a dusty nook, but you can't ignore something like that. I can't forget the feel of you. I can't forget the smell. I forget nothing about you. It's too in my heart for my not to remember. I am saddened tonight because you are saddened. I wish I could be more for you sooner. I wish I could, and I still try. I don't know everthing. I sure wish I knew everything about you. How you think, how you feel, and why. I wish I knew so I could be better. All I've ever wanted from this relationship was to make you happy. That's all I've ever wanted from any relationship. I want my partner to be happy. That's what it is to me, what it means to me. When you hurt, I hurt double. And I don't care. I willingly accept that hurt. It connects me to you deeper than I can comprehend sometimes. I love you. After such a dark cavern of wandering for years searching with a flimsy candle, I felt things were hopeless. My candle went out, and I feared all hope abandoned. And I found you. And you found me. We found eachother in the dark. And my life has never been as bright ever. I have never been as happy as when I'm with you. There's no one I enjoy more to hug than you. I pray that I'll dream of you when I rest my head to my pillow. I pray and I hope. I am so doubtless about our relationship. All I feel is love. It's all I know anymore. I wish you could see that. I don't know always how to say it. I still try. Give me time. I won't stop trying. I can't, my heart wouldn't allow it should I want to. You make me want to be a better man for you. No one has ever made me feel that way. Mo one. Not my parents, not my siblings, not my friends, not even God has made me want to improve myself the way I want for you. For God I want to help others, but I never think about myself and my actions in spite of another. Ah shit, I can barely type now. I can't hardlyh see the screen. I don't cry like this except for things that mean the most to me. And ET. He deserves my tears too. :P You always think about your actions and screwing things up with me. I think about every word I say to you. I try to never to offend you. I don't know why you love me like you do. I often feel like I don't deserve you, and every time I hear of any doubt I'm sure I'll be punished. Stripped of what I thought I didn't deserve. I miss you Jane. I cannot wait until I see you. It can't be weird for me. I've never stopped seeing you.
You aren't just in my life, you are a part of it.
I wish you knew how heavy my heart is for you.
I wish you knew how much I put you first.
I wish you knew how my love was true.
I wish you knew how my soul thirsts.
I wish you knew, how much I love you.
Ti amo mi amor
May 27, 2002
Title: Re:With A Heavy Heart I Try
I changed today. No, I didnt change. But something inside of me did. And I'll do my best to describe how and why. I thought of our conversation last night, and all the thoughts that were going through my head. I was miserable. And I didn't even realize what I was doing. I went for my usual 4 mile walk where I hoped to draw some conclusions of my messed up mind. And thankfully, I did. I'll start from the beginning. When my ex boyfriend of 8th grade contacted me, it brought back so many memories, hurtful mostly because those were the last memories I had of him. As things only got better between you and I, I felt like something stepped in the way, by fate, and tried to show me that things would only hurt me in the end. As him and I continue to chit chat, my memories only became clearer, and I felt like I did with my family. That nothing would ever be, well, happy. So I went on my walk to clear my head. I started out sluggish, and wanted to quit and go sulk in my room, waiting to see if you'd call me. But, I didnt. I kept going, and only weighed all the options I had. I thought about all my past relationships and how they screwed me over. I thought about how I've given a piece of my heart to someone before, and it was brutally stepped on. All these visions, these brief moments of my past all came together and made me so happy that I didnt have to relive them. Then came you. You're nothing like my past, you're right. Not all of them hurt me, or even caused pain, but they ended on bad terms, and I was in miserable relationships with them. They bored me to tears. SO... then today. Everything just came together. It came together so clearly. Here's what changed besides everything. I love you. I know how you feel about me, and I know you're trying. But my conscious didn't know. I think such good thoughts about us, and lately, I just wasn't. I couldnt figure out why. And i've been dealing fine with the distance. But when i get into relationships, I've always seemed to jump ahead too quickly. And that's how I got either a) bored, or b) hurt. But when I met you, (and this is where I start taking a risk by saying too much) I could see a really nice future for us. I'm not in 8th grade anymore (yay!!). I'm not even in 12th grade anymore. We graduate from college soon. I never had life plans with anyone. But I want to with you. I want to be with you. I don't think there's any other way around it. I'm terrified to say all this to you. I have no idea how you'll respond. I've been in relationships before, longer than we've been together. And i've never been so certain, so confident. Maybe I expected something different from you, but to be honest, I love how you treat me. I love everything about you. So everything I did expect, is meaningless. Things don't always turn out the way I thought they would, and this didnt. It's better. I'm still under the assumption that someone like you would never go for me. But you have, and now I'm going to have fun and go with it. Our relationship makes me more motivated than before (i know!). It helps me look at people differently. And yes, i know I have social anxiety problems at times, but I trust you, and I know you just want the world to know what kind of person I am! (a very cute one! :)) I accept summer as it is. And it's going by quite fast. I'm learning to work with something new, and I like it. But I need to know you love me. I don't think that'll ever change. But I'm thinking of you with everything that I am, and I'm trusting you like I haven't with anyone else. You are different, and I'm not scared. No one compares to you. You are the man in my life that I thought I would never have. I Love you.
Wow two people sound totally in love eh? Yeah well at that point I was getting there. So in those you can tell I was sick at one point, which is true. I had gotten mono somehow, and I think I've pinned exactly how. A girl Kristen on my floor that year had mono. And she was supposedly "cleared" by the doctor as being non-infectious. So one night when I'm hanging with my roomate and Jane in our room Kristen bursts in hysterically in tears asking if I've seen her roommate Kristin (a friend I'd known since frosh year). So I went to go talk to her, which Jane didn't want. But Kristen was my friend and I wanted to make sure that nothing bad had happened. In a way it kind of had. She had lost her virginity that night with some guy she knew from class and met at the bar. It wasn't rape, it was consentual, but she was emotional because it was her first time and all and her roomate and friends from our floor had kind of ditched her at the bar for some off campus party. So she must have still been infectious and just sitting on her bed chatting with her for 45 mins must have been enough to pass mononucleosis onto me. SO I came down with that the end of May. Worst sickness of my life I must say.
Imagine a pounding headache, and no matter what you do it gets worse. It feels like your brain has expanded like one of those pills you put in water and the sponge grows. Well My head was the pill, and it was horrible. No matter what I did, if I laid down, or got back up it got WORSE. But every day I still talked to Jane on the phone, even though I sounded like Kermit the Frog. I was very very miserable. Some nights I just sounded it I'm sure, and she got mad at me for "not being happy." Well that was kind of ridiculous...I had mono! So there was one weekend where I was JUST feeling well enough to go out and hang with my friends. They were watching some DVDs at Amar's house and I needed to get the hell out. So I talked to Jane who was going to Albany with her friend to an ex-boyfriends frat party. Now it's important to note Jane had had a long discussion with me about how anti-drug she was. Very much in agreement to my stance when we discussed it. So I went out that night and didn't answer my phone at Amar's when she called b/c the guys were being big dicks when people called anyones cell, like when Matt got a call. I didn't want to subject her to that lol. By the time I got home I figured it was too late so I went to bed.
I wake up to 11 missed calls. So I call her back and she's out with her sister getting fitted for her bridesmaid dresses. I finally talk to her that night and find out she got bombed out of her head that night, and smoked like 4 bowls. This really pissed me off b/c I don't want to be involved with any girl who's into drugs. She'd done it before so she'd also lied straight to my face. She had made a big deal about going, worrying that I wouldn't trust her (why wouldn't I lol), but I did and made that point clear. So that sparked the whole chain of fights that lasted for a week. I had never hurt so much, not even when my grandmother died. I had no appetite for like a week, couldn't sleep. I was the saddest I'd ever been in my life. So we fought a lot and a whole SLEW of shit came out during this time that I never knew. Like that she was engaged to her ex before me. That he was black. That ended 2 weeks before WE got together. It was like all out of left field. It was like communist baseball where there was ONLY left field and NO ONE WOULD BE SAFE! Lol. So I found out about all this shit she'd been keeping from me, and she just kept picking fights. She said some verrrrrrry hurtful things, and I'm glad it's so long ago I don't remember it all very clearly. I couldn't even really read through those emails I'd put in here b/c I don't want to be reminded of it anymore. It took me over a year to really get over her. The worst part though was I found out a week after we broke up she was back with Chris, her black ex. Now I'm not racist or anything, but I could never date a black girl. Maybe it's how I was raised, the whole Italian stick with your own kind thing. But I just don't have any attraction to black women. But I never knew she had dated any. It was just a shock because there was so much hidden she had never told me. I didn't want to know EVERYTHING about her past, but there were some key things she left out. Shortly after she left nasty references to me in her away messages which didn't help. The last I heard from her was an IM that following fall asking me what restaurant we got sandwiches from. Quite rude I'd think after not hearing from her for like 5 months and after all her crap about not wanting to be friends and how she is never friends with any of her exes. (That should have been some kind of sign too lol) SO that's really it...my first and last relationship. Had to finally get it down cuz people ask, and I don't want to ever have to retell this story again lol